randomizer

Dazed from jet lag and feeling somewhat dizzy from sleep deprivation. The hum and rumble of the shuttle bus, punctuated by the snap of the driver's bubblegum is the only sound I hear.

Across from me, I spy a child; his concentration focused on a singular task. I watch, spell-bound. He has his finger up one nostril. First one joint disappears. Then the second. Improbably, his third joint disappears up his nose; like that scene from "Total Recall" where Arnold the fugitive sticks the metal rod up his nose to remove the homing device. It's almost as though the boy's nostril is somehow linked to another dimension, or is the result of some elaborate Las Vegas dinner/magic show illusion. Perhaps the boy will cause a live circus animal to spring from his nose. A white tiger, maybe, like the one that mauled Siegfield and Roy, would burst forth and elicit a vicious roar. Dammit, kid, those are wild animals you're dealing with, not some cartoon pet to be used for your amusement! Leave that finger in there until we get some professional animal trainers in here! It was all I could to keep from getting up across the aisle and shaking some sense into the child.

Fortunately, I arrived at my long-term parking stop, and I disembarked. I'm worried about the deep-dive-nose-miner, but as they say, the show must go on...

Posting from a college friend (#4 my favorite):

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subjectfinancially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the personwho doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a seriousbummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the dayconsuming only things that are good for you.


12. Glibido: All talk and no action.


13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you'veaccidentally walked through a spider web.


15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into yourbedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in thefruit you're eating.

Available in Original and New Mountain Fresh Scent

Looooove Tokyo in August. I'm working in the Akasaka office today, so I'm dressed business casual. Which in Japan means that I pretty much have to wear a suit, but get to leave my jacket behind. Oh and the tie can be a slightly loosened.

At any rate, the humidity and heat feel absolutely great. That delicious feeling of having your shirt stick to your back the moment you step outside...! Savor the sensation of beads of sweat rolling down your face and momentarily coalescing on your starched collar before being absorbed into the fabric. Ahhh...life doesn't get any better. Oh wait, but it can! Take one step inside any building and you can enjoy arctic blasts of air that instantly dries the prespiration and causes your teeth to chatter with glee. The excess moisture soon evaporates, leaving behind fine white mineral deposits on your clothing. Need seasoning? Gently brush off deposits onto your lunch for a truely organic treat!

Here endeth the lesson

Envelopes that should not be pushed:

Expiration date on chicken.

oh, no reason. Pass the Pepto.

Antz

Besieged by ants. Ants all over the place. Lines and lines and lines of these insects, marching along with purpose. I tried spraying, but that didn't work too well. It killed the buggers that I hit directly, but an hour later, they're back again. Worse yet, each of the afflicted soldiers do a little Platoon/William Dafoe; arching back and raising its antennae in supplication to the cruel and remorseless fates. Much as I dislike these guys, I feel a bit...guilty. The ant baits fare just as poorly. The ants just walk over the plastic Raid containers, and keep walking toward tastier morsels. As befitting this nuevo-riche snob neighborhood (*lest there be any confusion, those communities are a half a mile up the hill from here. My place is where the help for the snob neighborhood live. But amongst pool cleaners and gardeners, we are considered snobby pool cleaners and gardeners), the ants have very jaded palettes. That Raid bait is a 2006 March from the Minneapolis region, terrible batch. The 2004 Texas is to die for!

Why can't we come to a compromise? I would be totally willing to set aside a plate of goodies at a mutually satisfactory location, say, right outside the garage. The ants will have guaranteed, wholesome foods (well as wholesome as the food I eat anyway), as long as they do not enter the demark of the garage door. Sort of a DMZ if you will. Alas, the talks have fallen apart again. The battle and the war rages on....

Friday Afternoon Translator

Brain winding down for the week, but you suddenly receive Monday-material corporate mail? Fret no more!

Before (written by a commitee of writers, editors, and brand managers):

The Alpha Dog Release will help the Company set the foundation to provide customers with the best, most innovative and seamless purchasing experience anywhere. Benefits of the Alpha Dog Release include a robust foundation, improved processes and tools, and improved order and data quality.

After (straight talk translated by Gizoogle's textilizer):

The Alpha Dog Releaze wiznill help tha Company set tha foundation ta provide customa wit tha biznest, most innovative n seamless rhymin' experience anywhere . You gotta check dis shit out yo. Benefits of tha Alpha Dog Releaze include a robust foundation, improved processes n tools, n improved shot calla n data quality.

Culinary Delights!

Harumi and the kids headed to Japan early for her brother's wedding. That means that until I join them later in the month, I have to fend for myself. No problem. The guy from "Supersize Me" lasted a month eating nothing but McDonalds, after all.

Last night, I got home from work and night classes, and found myself completely out of ready-to-eats. I didn't have the gumption to go back out and buy something, but I was still famished. I thought. And I pondered. Things were looking bleak. In this dark hour, I heard a small voice. Look here, it sang. I whirl around as in slow-motion, and come eye-to-eye with the deep-fry machine. Yes, it is I, your salvation, it seemed to purr. I don't recall the next hour with any clarity, but I found my clothes covered in grease, and plates of fried delicacies arranged in front of me. I dug in. And I learned:

===Things that are good to fry======
potatoes = French fries
bananas = fried bananas I guess

===Things that are not good to fry===
grapes = boom
cereal = crunchy but mildly nauseating because it soaks too much grease. Especially cocoa puffs.

Ambition

A former colleague of mine called out of the blue today. He's started his own business, which of course, is totally cool.

"Wait and see, one of these days, you'll see me ringing' the bell at the NYSE!!"

I congratulated him, and put the phone back in its cradle.

Try as I may, I couldn't shake the image of him in a Salvation Army Santa suit, ringing his bell outside the NYSE lobby and soliciting donations...

Ignorance is Bliss

Fifteen Thousand People!! That's a heckuva lot of folk who paid good money to run in the 2005 Wharf to Wharf. AP and I ran; we finished a sobering and slow 49:42 and 50:08, respectively. Oh well, guess you can't cram exercise like you can for a meeting or a class.

Rewind to the start of the race. Whirrrr. Click. Play.

I'm trying to stretch, but there's not enough room. As I'm squirming around, I overhear a conversation between two women.

One points to a tattoo on the back of her neck.

"I really identified with the word, y'know: Spirit. It captures the essence of what I'm all about. I had the parlor inscribe the Chinese Kanji character. It focuses my energy."

Curious, I look as well. Japanese shares some of the same characters, so I was able to read it. I didn't have the heart to tell the woman what it said:

Sheep

Woo Hoo sign me up!

...from my breakfast receipt:

====================
Thank you for eating at McDonald's Corp.

Bring 5 receipts from the same week Monday-Friday and recieve a 6-piece Chicken McNugget Free!

Also try our chicken and walnut McSalad. Look for the green fork!

I'm lovin' it.
====================

This was mind-boggling on so many levels. Buuut at this hour in the morning....

I may be but a unfrozen caveman lawyer frightened by your flying machines and speaking boxes. But I do know one thing; those McMuffins with bacon and cheese are just what the doctor ordered for starting out the day!

Problem? You're the one with the problem! Git off my back!

Last physical I had, the doc said three things that stuck in my head. You eat too much junk food. You ingest too much caffene. Your metabolism will grind to a halt very soon, and it'll wipe that little smirk of yours right off of your face.

Since my birthday is coming up next week, I thought I would try to rectify my evil ways. Can't give up sugar, so I tried caffene. This morning, I went without my cutomary cup of Grande and lasted till noon. Talk about a miserable experience. Pounding headache and cranky as hell. I even started to feel kinda sick. Not in a face-down-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-bodily-fluids kind of way, but sick nonetheless...

Smile for da camera

Video call! New fangled technology!

After getting over the fun of remotely controlling the camera on the other end (Zoom: Hey you have some lettuce in your teeth there), it suddenly dawned on me. It is hard to concentrate on this dang thing. Voice calls are one thing, but with live video feed, I go into passive Monster-Trucks-Sportcenter-Fox news mode. Y'know, remote in hand, and unconsciously tapping the 'channel' button. It is all I could do to not let my mouth go slack and have a stream of drool dribble down the side.

And the footage is hardly riveting. It's like watching cspan of your local townhall meeting (equivalent of angry residents clashing over the height limitations ordances for yard fences). The only problem is, this cspan occasionally pauses, looks back at me from the screen, and asks a question.

New tact: I've taken to consicuously making an effort to occasionally look straight into the camera and stroke my chin contemplatively. Wish I had a goatee...

Myers-Briggs

ok. I admit it. I've taken the Myers-Briggs many times in the past, but this latest round is the breaker. I am...an Introvert! An INTJ -- Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judgemental. How can this be??? I've thrived for 5 years in sales, and am doing well going on my 7th year in marketing! I present all the time and I enjoy it! People in my MBA class think I'm an airhog!

The prevailing image in my mind is of the classic comedy sketch from the 80's, wherein the social misfit stands in the background and metes out punishment to wrongdoers using nothing more than his thumb and forefinger. I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!

Last week, however, I witnessed a great event. One of the higher-ups in the marketing org, a real limelight kinda guy, opened up his preso by admitting that he is an Introvert! Hallelujia Brother! I almost broke out in spontaneous dance and gospel, so that other closet Introverts in the meeting room could also sieze the day! I would surely have done so if I had not been in the back of the room, avoiding eye contact, hugging my knees and rocking back and forth...I'm an excellent driver. Fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.

The Dentist.
I don't particularly fear the chair or anything, but there are some things there that really annoy me. Air-powered drill? No prob. Fine cloud of bone-dust making me choke? yawn. Electric shock of pain when the pointy hook tool pokes an exposed nerve? bring it on, punk.

But!

I can't stand the light banter that the aide and the dentist have over my head. They sometimes talk as though I am nothing more than a $7.99 Walmart fondue kit; yap yap yap, occasional jab into crevice with metal implement, continue to yap.

"So last week, I'm out fishing." (whirrrrr.screeeeeeeeeee. whirrrrr.)

"is that so?" (wipes blood)

"yeah, the sucker had to be this big!" (pauses drilling so he can indicate size with both hands)

"you're such a liar" (mops more blood).


Worse yet, they sometimes want to involve me in the conversation!

"So how are the kids?"

"MMmmnn Hthmmm" (Fine, thanks)

"What have we got here?" (whirrrrrr.screeeeeeeee.whirrrr)

"Mwrrrrr!!!" (Mwrrrrrr!!!)

"Let me know if this stings"

"MM MM MM MM!" (it stings it stings it stings)

"Yeah, I think we'll get some rain today" (whirrrrr.screeeeeee.whirrrr)

"Mmmnnn Mnnnnn Nnnnnm!" (Give me some more damn Novacane!!)

"I hear ya. Can't believe that gas prices are almost $3 a gallon."

"MMMMMMMMMM" (what the hell are you talking about? Jab me with the pain killers now!!)

"there now. that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"...mmmmmmhhhnn" (...I hate you)

Next dental appointment July 11. Already dreading it.

old habits

Found myself drifting off during a conversation I was having with a coworker. Maybe need some more sleep? Less starch in my lunch? At any rate, I snapped back into the conversation when the other looked at me expectantly and asked, "What do you think, Hideo?"

Using reflexes honed during hundreds of hours worth of conference calls, I quickly scanned my mental list of replies (picture scene in the first Terminator movie where Arnold the killer robot picks a charming come-back to the question, "Whaat, did somethin' die in there?").

An assasin cyborg from the future I am not. What tumbled out of my mouth was, "Oh sorry, I must have been on mute..."

Euromania!

Once more in NYC for a meeting with the Eurpoean folks.

Americans are at such a disadvantage in this setting. We are immediately psyched out by that accent...Tally Ho! Tea and crumpets anyone?

I'll take "Names" for $500 please

6:00pm. MBA summer class starts.

"Hey there Hideo!"

(Darn. I recognize this guy's face, but I totally can't remember his name. Keith? Mike? John? I think there's a good chance that it's one of those).

"Hey man, good to see ya! Almost graduating?"

(Seems like a safe bet. I saw him during capstone, so like me, he must be close)

"Yeah, can't wait. 'bout you, Hideo?"

(Stop it!!!! You're tormenting me. You see that I don't remember, and you taunt me by flaunting your mental recall prowess!! But wait, two can play that game)

"Same here. Hey, my mail file crashed again I think I have to rebuild my contact list. Can you give me your email?"

"Sure. It's 675bsl*****@yahoo.com. I created a separate account for school using my dog's birthday as my ID."

(damn you. You saw that coming! )

"I dread the first day of the quarter. Every prof butchers "Hideo" during roll. You're lucky that not many people screw up your name! With a name like yours, how could ya, right?"

(say it say it SAY IT!)

"Very true. Gotta hit the coffee bar before class. Talk to ya later, Hideo."

"Later!"

(...so you may have won this battle, my worthy nemesis, but believe you me, I am not defeated!)

Monkey see, monkey doo

Fine NYC morning. 7:45am, 88 degrees, 93% humidity. I make the short walk to the Doubletree where I'm scheduled to present. I'm early, so I peer through the corner cafe windows, looking to grab a bagel and a cheapo coffee in one of those paper cups with the flimsy fold-out handles.

I'm startled by what sounds like water landing on hard pavement after being squirted upward from a garden hose. Then realization hits. I've been tagged. My upper back, right arm, and a bit on my front pocket has suddenly grown bas-relief strokes of semi-liquid; the color of play-dough after all the reds, blues, yellows, and oranges are mixed together. Judging by the liquid volume, it was either a pigeon that has ingested an entire tin of planters nuts, or a small turkey buzzard that did the deed.

I dash into the nearest hotel to use the restroom. As luck would have it, I needed to use the elavator to get there. Normally, I would be mildly insulted by the folks that vacated the elevator on my account, but I didn't care. Yoo, lookin' at me, Mr. and Mrs. Tourist? That's right. That's bird ^%$#, yo you want somma this? Welcome to NYC.

At any rate, the stains didn't come out, despite vigorous scrubbing. More funny looks from tourists. One European man even looked like he wanted to take my picture... To close out this little anecdote, I end up rummaging at a tacky souvenir shop for the least offensive shirt I could find, and ended up presenting in that.

Eye see your point

Bone dry. That's what my eyes are these days. I've got a criss-cross interstate maze of capillaries that makes me look like I've been smoking something (but not inhaled) or that I haven't slept in a week or so. Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! That order would have made me a hero at Bunker Hill had I been in the British ranks that day.

But I digress.

I think my eyes are getting dry because the plugs that were installed in my tear ducts need to be replaced. These apparently prevent my tears from draining too quickly; analogous to when the kids flush half a roll of toilet paper to see what happens. The thought makes me squeamish. Funny, because years ago, I was a daily contact wearer, and poking around my eyeballs was a common ritual. In fact, had there been an itch, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about scratching my orbits with the tip of a pencil. Hey now, that's dangerous, you may say. Please, I'm not stupid -- pencils these days are made of graphite, so no fear of lead poisoning there.

Made the call though, plug reinstall set for July 5.

Mmm...good

Walked by some grade-school kids doing a fund-raiser for their school band. Typically, one sees these tykes hawking repackaged Hershey's or Nestle Crunch bars, but this time, it was dangerously different:

Endangered Species Chocolate!

Imagine, rich chunks of African rhino in every bite! Betcha bite a Loggerneck Turtle Chip! For the smaller packages, you'd have fun-size (TM) morsels of Pacific Pocket Mouse.