Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Two More To Go

2.5 more hours. 150 more minutes. 9000 more seconds. 6.3 glazed looks. 2.2 streams of drool from a slack jaw with mouth 1.2 inches agape.

That's how close I am to finishing my 3 years at grad school and to finishing my MBA. I can almost smell the sweet fruits of my labor! No more cog in the big machine! No siree. Not this guy! Grandiose visions of me with my new degree, strolling into the office, and settling down in my space between the off-beige cloth walls, into the plush industrial Postur-Wreck (tm) office chair, and unleashing my newfound skills on the world. Oh yes, my simple cog days are over.

I will now be a *shiny* cog in the big machine. Dream big, I say.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Work Bliss

This holiday weekend, we did a bunch of painting around the house. At first, it was kinda tedious -- all that taping so we don't smear the windows, getting the edging done, making sure we cover up the furniture etc... Then as we completed the first room and started the second, I really started to find the 'zone.' So much so, that I really began enjoying the task. In fact, I was starting to feel downright euphoric about it! Woo Hoo! Loooove to paint, baby! Bring it on!

It didn't occur to me until many hours later when I found myself with a splitting headache, that perhaps I should have opened the windows a notch.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Thank you sir, may I have another

I hate writing checks. In this day and age of online bill payments, the very fact that I must pay an extra 37 cents on postage for the privilege of paying my monthlies just grates on my nerves like the metallic screech of a fork sliding alongside a metal steak knife (my kids do this often. I suspect it amuses them to see me stop in mid-eat and freeze-up with a wince of sheer primordial discomfort).

Last night, insult to injury, salt in the wound! Not only did the energy monopoly in my area jack up the per-kilowatt rates, but I got a papecut on my tongue as I was licking the adhesive on the back of the envelope! As a Service to You our Valued Customer, We Have Deployed Ground Glass in Your Envelope! Happy Holidays from Your Friends at the Electric Company! And Remember Who Owns You.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Vitamin C

Feeling a little groggy after lunch. And not from eating too much, though I suppose I did do that. Had some Caesar salad, some chicken satay, grilled shrimp with avocado sauce, and a small 12oz steak. I didn't even have much dessert.

I may be catching a bit of a bug. Not in a face-down-in-my-own-bodily-fluids sort of way, but just a little...off. It probably doesn't help that my oldest picks up a few harmless cold germs from school, tinkers with 'em a bit, then thoughtfully re-packages them in novel and creative combos that my old-time immune system doesn't quite recognize. Whammo. Instant cold transfer.

Oh well, I guess that means that I too will have to show my child's bio-creativity and share the new germs with my coworkers. Hey dude, sorry about that, next time I'll try not to sneeze while answering your question. Oh and let me get that green goo off of your glasses...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Helpful Little Friends

Today, as I was sitting in my VP's all-hands meeting, my cellphone gave off an ear-splitting shriek. I fumbled with the device for what seemed like an eternity, then found the off button. I was so panicked that I would have smashed the unit on the formica conference room table had I not found the power-off.

Unfortunately, by this time, several eyes were already glaring my way. I felt like a loser, so I lowered my eyes in shame. That's when I noticed the message on my phone's LCD, and understood what my helper device was trying to urgently convey to me:

"Thursday Nov. 17: Task Reminder: Don't forget to turn off sound before the meeting"

Sunday, November 13, 2005


Holiday cheer and all, but I really can do without the frenzied and tense atmosphere that surrounds the shopping. There's still 5 weeks to Christmas, but I can already feel the Edge interlaced with saccharine cheer. Parking at the shopping mall is perhaps the experience that I most detest, and is THE reason why 99.999% of my stuff is bought online (if I could buy gasoline online, I think I'd be at 100%).

Friday, for instance, we stalked shoppers back to their cars for the perfect space. Unfortunately, there were 6 other cars doing the same thing. I guess this is what deer feel like during hunting season in rural New York or Denver. Shoppers though, seem oblivious to the stalking vehicles; they calmly go about their business, and take their time to locate their vehicles, unlock the door, load their wares, check the mirror, fix their makeup, and take a short nap. Then they back out. By this time, the stalkers are whipped up in a frenzy, and there are 2-3 vehicles signaling for the same space. Usually, the person with the less expensive, what-the-hell-do-I-care-if-you-ding-me vehicle wins out over the YuppieMobiles for a little class equalization. Regardless who wins, there's a protocol that must be followed by the vanquished. A quick mono-digit salute to indicate gracious acceptance of defeat, and a horn blast of not less than 8 seconds to announce the event.

We weren't even in the running for that one. How far out of the running? Using the hunter analogy, 2-3 hunters were having duels for the right to shoot one prize deer, but we showed up with a fishing pole. In fact, it dawned on us the absurdity of hunting for the perfect space that's 20 ft closer to the entrance; especially when we were there to buy a new pair of sneakers...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

two days later...

Whoa, I'm still pretty sore from Sunday's race.

Perhaps it's the I-had-an-accident-in-my-shorts shuffle, as I grab my morning coffee, but people are lookin' at me funny and avoiding eye contact.

Monday, November 07, 2005


One Hour Fifty-Five minutes. Not gonna win any medals or anything, but it's the fastest I've ever run a half marathon. Very proud of myself, as well as of my training buddy AP, who photo-finished at the same time I did.

24 hours later, the memories of the last two miles or so are seared in my memory. There were throngs of spectators lined up along the seawall, yelling encouragement to the runners. "C'mon #1543, lookin' strong!" "You can do it #109! Keep it up!" I'm in royal amounts of pain, but I can hear them cheer on the bib numbers of the runners ahead of me. When they get to AP and my numbers, they shout "C'mon #146 and #159, you can....(silence. then whisper whisper whisper)." Then, they reach a cosensus that it is okay to lie. "Looking strong guys! Almost there!"

Today, I wanna tell the world, but I don't want to be too obvious about it. So I go all subtle-like:

Hey what time is the meeting?
Well, probably slightly more than one hour and fifty-five minutes from now, thank you.

Geez, traffic was bad today, huh?
Oh yeah, it took me much longer than usual. Probably at *least* one hour and fifty-five minutes!

What is your favorite colour?
one hour and fifty-five minutes, thanks for asking.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


One of the sacred duties of parenthood dictate that the parent or guardian must Sort through their child's Halloween loot. This Sort consists of me rifling through my kids' treat bags and appropriating the pieces that I enjoy (KitKats, Resses'Peanut Butter cups, Snickers, Peanut M&Ms). I do this by the powers and authority vested in me in the Name of the Dentist. My kids are still young, 5 and 3, so they buy this story and are thoroughly convinced that I saved them from the Bad Candy. Lest people think I am a heartless monster, I left them the Good Candy (aka stuff I don't like) like candy corn, swizzle sticks, sweetarts, smartees, etc.

Perhaps the kiddies are smarter than I am. After two days of gorging on chocolate, I...feel...unwell.


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