Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Truth in Advertisement

I had McDonald's coffee this morn, because slabs of lard and reconstituted deep-fried potato parts taste better with it. Aside from the somewhat appalling fact that I consumed 57% of my daily recommended sodium intake before 7:15am, it was an altogether pleasant experience. And the coffee wasn't half bad. This is different, I thought to myself. But What?

Oooh me me me me! My styrofoam cup virtually trembled with excitement, like the way a class of 1st graders would react when asked, "Who wants to say screw school and have recess all day?" So I oblige and look at the colorful wrap.

Premium Roast Coffee! Fresh Brewed! Custom Blended. Richer. Bolder. More Robust*! Caution, I'm HOT!

Wow! You're right, styrofoam cup! You do taste better! Even with the qualifier small print on the bottom of the cup that says *Compared with Previous Blends, Mileage May Vary, you're okay in my book.

Monday, September 18, 2006


After months of being a recipient, I decide that I will take that bold step and use the Office Productivity Enhancements at my disposal.

"Hi there, this is Hideo, leavin' ya a voice mail so you get this first thing in the morn. Huge favor, can you chase down those from last week for me? Details via email. Peace out."

Tappity tappity tap:

Subject: wrt to voicemail
Body: Just following up with those codes. Need' em by noon! I'll swing by

hm..may as well copy her epage address so she gets the text on her pager too. Click, done.
Resend frequency? Lemme about every 10min? Click, done.

Oh wait, there's her car in the parking lot. Scribble. Nothing says urgent like a post-it on a windshield!

15 minutes later, the needed info arrives. All this technology has made office life so productive! I bet in years gone by, it woulda taken weeks to stalk..uh, coax, rather, someone to provide info via carrier pirgeon and mimeograph!

Quote of the Day -- Zoinks!

"Society is always taken by surprise
at any new example of common sense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Attended a back to school night for our son. I remember these things to be a fairly laid-back, if unstimulating affairs, wherein parental types would meet their offspring's teacher, and give permission to said educator to smack little Johnny upside the head if he gets outta line. The 2006 version was...much more intense. Difference between getting bopped in the head with a balloon and getting decapitated by an 18 wheeler trcuk while leaning too far out the passenger side window.


- 6 year olds will be broken out into five groups, ranked by ability. Highest group will be given more challenging homework, while the lowest group will be issued bibs and identifying placards around their necks.

- Stressed Dad (me!) sneaking a swig of Rockstar energy drink to keep up with frenzied air

-Parental types are hopped up on stimulants. In most civilized corners of the world, the phrase "Any questions?" is universal code for "I am done with my presentation. Let us all go home." Not spoken here. At least 8 hands shot up and our hapless instructor was peppered with questions like:

"What if we don't agree with your ranking?"
Answer: Litigation

"How much homework?"
Answer: No more than 4 hours per evening

"How do we fit THAT into Johnny's soccer, swimming, French, and ballet lessons?"
Answer: Sign him up for Time Management lessons

"Will there be appetizers served after this meeting?"
Answer: No

- Stressed Dad switching to drinking something stronger.

Monday, September 11, 2006

New Digs

Brand new locale! I woke up earlier than usual today, knowing that changes are a foot. No longer will I sit in cube J7-1, staring at the drab fabric of my 3.2 sided workspace. No longer will I be confined! Freedom to let my mind roam free, the way it was intended to be!! Fly away mind! Not too far though. Still need ya.

Yessiree, today, I plunked down into a brand new cube; Building 8, cube D3-1. This new arrangement has me facing (be still my beating heart) TOWARD the central hallway, and has me 4ft closer to the printer/copier. Oh yeah, who's the MAN now? Yeah,buddy, those are MY printouts. I can hear you rifling around in there looking for your own stuff. Well hands off! Use the facilities in your own cube slum neighborhood. Punk.

Monday, September 04, 2006

All in the Definitions

Ever have a deadline that really isn't? Deadline: Make sure you supply feedback by Friday, the memo may say. Then the next Monday, you get a followup saying; Final Final Deadline, cob today! With these, I could probably wait till Wednesday, send in some comments, and still make it into the final edits.

But I think we do the word 'deadline' an injustice. Remembering back to my high school English class days, I can distinctly remember that I got this question wrong because the sweat made the ink on the palm of my hand illegible.

From the Random House Dictionary:

"The word deadline first appeared as an American coinage that referred to the line around a military prison beyond which soldiers were authorized to shoot escaping prisoners. According to Lossing's History of the Civil War (1868): "Seventeen feet from the inner stockade was the 'dead-line', over which no man could pass and live."

Be that as it may be, I see the need for a new taxonomy to describe the modern, soft, not-so-dead deadline. Henceforth, dates that can be pushed aside will be referred to as "Hurtlines" (British spelling "Pokeline").

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