Thursday, August 31, 2006

Smoke and Mirrors

Some folks worry too much. Not because they don't trust that things won't turn out ok or anything, but because they just...need to know everything. Don't get me wrong, the world needs detailed folk like that. Otherwise, how could we trust the label on the cereal box that says, "box packed by weight. Volume may differ because content may have settled?" I'll tell you why! It's because the ultra-detailed have counted the individual cereal flakes. Thus the world is safe for democracy.

But sometimes, one needs a little protection if one becomes a target for said detailed folk. I've since developed this handy Gantt chart as a first line of defense.
I've found that flashing this on my screen and saying, "oh yeah, we're right along addressing resource constraints on critical path and exactly at runrate completion percentages," makes these folk walk away with a dreamy look of satisfaction. Give it a whirl!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Deep Thoughts

Why do you run, Hideo?

Because it feels so dang good to stop.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Live Long and Prosper and Prosper and Prosper

Talk about a rich guest line-up! Bill Clinton, Lance Armstrong, and Coolio all played at the company Las Vegas conference. Bill Clinton in particular, had the air of elder statesman, and his words carried the weight of experience. And his secret service folk carried the weight of concealed sub-machine guns with armor piercing rounds.

The coup de grace though, was the suprise appearance of Dr. Spock playing his Leonard Nimoy alter ego. Don't get me wrong, as any hi-tech working male in his 30s, I totally ate the performance up. You da man, Spock! Save them whales, baby! I remember the standing O that he got more than what the preceding speech contained, actually...

Be that as it may -- I know he rakes in cash just by saying his trademark phrase and flashing that hand gesture; but I wonder if a small piece of himself doesn't cringe into a ball and jab itself with sharp psychic stakes every time he accepts payment for standing on stage with the pointy-ear prothesis and uttering those immortal words?

Benevolent Brother

The geniuses in the bowels of the engineering labs gave all 15,000 of us radio-frequency ID tags to wear at Las Vegas. I guess you need this kind of thing when you're tracking attendance for that many people, and I applaud the ingenuity of the system. How cool is it that it knows which sessions I attended and that it generates feedback forms only for those?

But then I got to thinking. I hope it only tracks attendance, and not my whereabouts?

Picture a scene in Command Bunker 251. "Hmm..I see that employee#68034 is spending an inordinate amount of time in Stall 2 of the 3rd floor restroom. And the frequency! Three times in the past hour! He has either had too much celebratory imbibements the evening before, or perhaps we would be wise to avoid what he ordered for dinner last nite. In any case, we should enlist employee#68034 in any appropriate sanitation requirements in said stall."

Friday, August 11, 2006

on a more serious note...

Airflight these days is mass transit -- I'd put as much thought into hopping on a flight as I would to hop on a bus to the next city. Actually less, even, because I have no idea where the closest Greyhound station is nor where I can buy a ticket.

So it really rattles me when these bombing-attempt things hit the news. It just jars me abruptly awake; things that I take for granted is no longer so. It's the emotional equivalent of your parents sitting you down and saying, "Son, we think you're ready to hear this. You're really the heir to Tasmandia, and your people want you back. Oh by the way, your rent is due."

Tuesday, me, and 12,000 of my closest friends fly into Nevada for a massive conference. We'll all go thru the heightened security and rigorous checkpoints, and converge from multiple points on the globe. I think the latest security rule is: no liquids. Pretty soon, we'll be required to take sleeping pills so we're out cold and can't cause mischief. No Consciousness Allowed. But I'm not complaining. Here's hoping that we all have a safe and uneventful transit!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Ponder that, yo

I can almost see the metaphorical lightbulb go off in her head. A moment ago, a tough question stumped the speaker into an unsteady silence. But stumped no more!

"It's behavioral stuff that's the bread, and not the peanut butter, and explodes in a viral fashion!"

Heads nod sagely throughout the meeting room. The light cast by the projector add dramatic shadow and contrast to their faces.

I'm confused. That statement conjures up images of a sandwich left out in the sun too long, perhaps at a picnic. Worse, I picture myself eating that tidbit, and experiencing the subsequent "explosion in viral fashion" in my digestive tract.

But I don't wanna look dumb. So I nod sagely too.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

So that's how it eats

My daughter has those nauseatingly adorable Hello Kitty things on almost everything she owns. Pencils, pillowcases, backpacks, shoes, shirts, toothbrushes, bug spray, you name it, it's there. I've always been somewhat troubled with that stylized cat, and now I can place my finger on exactly what it was. In every depiction, Hello Kitty does not have a mouth. How does that thing eat?

Now with this drawing, I know! And I can once again sleep at night...


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