Monday, August 29, 2005


Dazed from jet lag and feeling somewhat dizzy from sleep deprivation. The hum and rumble of the shuttle bus, punctuated by the snap of the driver's bubblegum is the only sound I hear.

Across from me, I spy a child; his concentration focused on a singular task. I watch, spell-bound. He has his finger up one nostril. First one joint disappears. Then the second. Improbably, his third joint disappears up his nose; like that scene from "Total Recall" where Arnold the fugitive sticks the metal rod up his nose to remove the homing device. It's almost as though the boy's nostril is somehow linked to another dimension, or is the result of some elaborate Las Vegas dinner/magic show illusion. Perhaps the boy will cause a live circus animal to spring from his nose. A white tiger, maybe, like the one that mauled Siegfield and Roy, would burst forth and elicit a vicious roar. Dammit, kid, those are wild animals you're dealing with, not some cartoon pet to be used for your amusement! Leave that finger in there until we get some professional animal trainers in here! It was all I could to keep from getting up across the aisle and shaking some sense into the child.

Fortunately, I arrived at my long-term parking stop, and I disembarked. I'm worried about the deep-dive-nose-miner, but as they say, the show must go on...

Posting from a college friend (#4 my favorite):

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subjectfinancially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the personwho doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a seriousbummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the dayconsuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you'veaccidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into yourbedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in thefruit you're eating.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Available in Original and New Mountain Fresh Scent

Looooove Tokyo in August. I'm working in the Akasaka office today, so I'm dressed business casual. Which in Japan means that I pretty much have to wear a suit, but get to leave my jacket behind. Oh and the tie can be a slightly loosened.

At any rate, the humidity and heat feel absolutely great. That delicious feeling of having your shirt stick to your back the moment you step outside...! Savor the sensation of beads of sweat rolling down your face and momentarily coalescing on your starched collar before being absorbed into the fabric. doesn't get any better. Oh wait, but it can! Take one step inside any building and you can enjoy arctic blasts of air that instantly dries the prespiration and causes your teeth to chatter with glee. The excess moisture soon evaporates, leaving behind fine white mineral deposits on your clothing. Need seasoning? Gently brush off deposits onto your lunch for a truely organic treat!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Here endeth the lesson

Envelopes that should not be pushed:

Expiration date on chicken.

oh, no reason. Pass the Pepto.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Besieged by ants. Ants all over the place. Lines and lines and lines of these insects, marching along with purpose. I tried spraying, but that didn't work too well. It killed the buggers that I hit directly, but an hour later, they're back again. Worse yet, each of the afflicted soldiers do a little Platoon/William Dafoe; arching back and raising its antennae in supplication to the cruel and remorseless fates. Much as I dislike these guys, I feel a bit...guilty. The ant baits fare just as poorly. The ants just walk over the plastic Raid containers, and keep walking toward tastier morsels. As befitting this nuevo-riche snob neighborhood (*lest there be any confusion, those communities are a half a mile up the hill from here. My place is where the help for the snob neighborhood live. But amongst pool cleaners and gardeners, we are considered snobby pool cleaners and gardeners), the ants have very jaded palettes. That Raid bait is a 2006 March from the Minneapolis region, terrible batch. The 2004 Texas is to die for!

Why can't we come to a compromise? I would be totally willing to set aside a plate of goodies at a mutually satisfactory location, say, right outside the garage. The ants will have guaranteed, wholesome foods (well as wholesome as the food I eat anyway), as long as they do not enter the demark of the garage door. Sort of a DMZ if you will. Alas, the talks have fallen apart again. The battle and the war rages on....

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday Afternoon Translator

Brain winding down for the week, but you suddenly receive Monday-material corporate mail? Fret no more!

Before (written by a commitee of writers, editors, and brand managers):

The Alpha Dog Release will help the Company set the foundation to provide customers with the best, most innovative and seamless purchasing experience anywhere. Benefits of the Alpha Dog Release include a robust foundation, improved processes and tools, and improved order and data quality.

After (straight talk translated by Gizoogle's textilizer):

The Alpha Dog Releaze wiznill help tha Company set tha foundation ta provide customa wit tha biznest, most innovative n seamless rhymin' experience anywhere . You gotta check dis shit out yo. Benefits of tha Alpha Dog Releaze include a robust foundation, improved processes n tools, n improved shot calla n data quality.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Culinary Delights!

Harumi and the kids headed to Japan early for her brother's wedding. That means that until I join them later in the month, I have to fend for myself. No problem. The guy from "Supersize Me" lasted a month eating nothing but McDonalds, after all.

Last night, I got home from work and night classes, and found myself completely out of ready-to-eats. I didn't have the gumption to go back out and buy something, but I was still famished. I thought. And I pondered. Things were looking bleak. In this dark hour, I heard a small voice. Look here, it sang. I whirl around as in slow-motion, and come eye-to-eye with the deep-fry machine. Yes, it is I, your salvation, it seemed to purr. I don't recall the next hour with any clarity, but I found my clothes covered in grease, and plates of fried delicacies arranged in front of me. I dug in. And I learned:

===Things that are good to fry======
potatoes = French fries
bananas = fried bananas I guess

===Things that are not good to fry===
grapes = boom
cereal = crunchy but mildly nauseating because it soaks too much grease. Especially cocoa puffs.

Monday, August 01, 2005


A former colleague of mine called out of the blue today. He's started his own business, which of course, is totally cool.

"Wait and see, one of these days, you'll see me ringing' the bell at the NYSE!!"

I congratulated him, and put the phone back in its cradle.

Try as I may, I couldn't shake the image of him in a Salvation Army Santa suit, ringing his bell outside the NYSE lobby and soliciting donations...

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