Vertu-ally Wealth Three

(Part Three!)

Between the jet lag, the caffeine withdrawal, and the light sparkling off of the $20,000 platinum-plated phone, I am feeling a bit woozy. Not being entirely certain how to handle this device, I hold the phone as I once saw an old lady do with produce in a grocery store - scrutinizing the produce to find the ONE tomato without any blemishes.

Caroline: "Where would the gem be placed?"

Hideo: "Um...here!" I point pretty much at random.

Caroline: "Interesting - we have not had anyone wanting to customize the...screen...before."

Hideo: "(realizing error) No, I meant that this is a beautiful screen. Minimal glare. Much like the face of a Breitling - functional yet attractive. But I digress. Sylvia would like to use her own 1.03 carat, purple Alexandrite on the face plate here."

Caroline: "A 1.03 carat gem, here?"

Caroline's tone is incredulous. It was as though I mentioned that I had deep-fried arachnids for lunch, and found them crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside (this is actually a dish in rural Cambodia, apparently. It was on the Discover channel. That's where I got the gooey quote.)

Hideo: "Ha ha. I must apologize for joking with you. Having held the device in my hand, it is quite apparent that a gem of that size would detract from the refined lines of this device. In fact, that would be garish...rude even. Sylvia is not fixated on this particular 1.03 carat gem, but she does want an Alexandrite to be part of the overall look. Perhaps you can suggest some designs?" (Phew!)

Caroline: "Oh but of course! We'll try to arrange some designs from our London design department by the time Sylvia arrives on her… next Singapore visit (gives Hideo conspiring look)."

Hideo: "(returns look of deep conspiracy) Remember, you didn't hear it from me!"

By this time, I had already spent close to one hour in this office, and I wanted to leave. But I also wanted the coffee she poured for me earlier. I had not reached for it, fearing that I would spill it onto the $20,000 phones and thus be their proud owners. I glanced forlornly at the coffee cup, but was frozen in indecision.

Catching my expression, Caroline hastily exclaims, "Oh Hideo, my deepest apologies. Your drink has gotten cold! I will get another sent out immediately!" With that, Caroline pressed a hidden button under her desk. 45 seconds later, a black-clad man appeared with my fresh cup. Although I longed to slug it down, I merely took one small sip. I suddenly had a vision of being held hostage here until the enigmatic Ms. Sylvia ponied up a check for this communication device. I had to get out of here!

Hideo: "Oh my! I must beg your pardon. My next meeting at the Capitol Tower (the only address outside the hotel that I know) beckons"

Caroline presses another secret button under her desk and Samantha and an older black-clad man appear at the door. I feel nervous for a moment, but they all shake my hand enthusiastically and give me their business cards.

"We look forward to seeing you again soon! Please give our regards to Ms. Sylvia! We can meet anytime - just let us know her schedule and we will accommodate!"

[To be continued in person by Ms. Sylvia]

Vertu-ally Wealthy Too

(Memoirs Part Two!)

At last. One on one with Caroline, the saleswoman of the rich and famous.

Caroline: "Mr. Hideo, please let us know how we can help Ms. Sylvia. Would you like some coffee?"

Hideo: "Of course. Now where to begin...?" I smile, then put on a look of mild concentration. (coffee? of course! ....crap lost train of thought. She's good. Already disarmed me with my weakness)

Caroline: "Ms. Sylvia sounds like a busy woman. As her secretar..."

Hideo: "I prefer 'Administrative Assistant'" (need...to...buy...time)

Caroline: "My apologies. As Ms. Sylvia's Administrative Assistant, you must be even busier. Does Ms. Sylvia often shop in California where she lives? Because we could arrange a local appointment in Beverly Hills as well?"

Hideo: "Well the term 'lives' is somewhat misleading. It would be accurate to say she legally resides there, but it would be more accurate to say Ms.Sylvia lives in an airplane. At any given time, there's an equally likely chance of finding her in London's Cannon Street, Tokyo's Marunouchi, or right here in Singapore. In fact...well, I probably shouldn't mention this, as Ms. Syliva loathes given her itinerary away too much in advance..."

(Captain! the limitor on the BS Engine is no longer in our control! Abandon ship!)

Caroline's ears perk up, and she is eagerly leaning forward. Just then the coffee arrives. It is a rich smelling concoction, obviously far superior to the mud served in the breakroom at work. The lines of the black china seems to blend seamlessly to the black lacquered desktop.

Hideo: "...hmmm, why not. Ms. Syliva intends to be in Singapore in late September. Perhaps she will request that I schedule time for her to visit your fine boutique personally? But first, let us discuss the customization questions that Ms. Sylvia has." (I think I just gave off too much this-person-may-buy pheromones, because Caroline is practically convulsing with the effects of the internal battle between maintaining a sophisticated, cool air and making her kill-sales-pitch. To her credit, this struggle lasts but a split second, and she is back to her polite yet so-very-Euro-cool manner.)

Editor's note: at the time of this meeting, Sylvia and Hideo lacked an important piece of information: Vertu has sold only one phone.

Caroline: "Ms. Sylvia ark mentioned something about customization of our communication devices?"

Hideo: "Yes. I'm sure I don't need to tell *you* that many people are very attached to their birthstones. Ms. Sylvia is the same way with hers - Alexandrite."

Caroline: "Ah, a beautiful gem. I am especially fond of the Chrysoberyl Cat's Eye"

Hideo: "Ms. Sylvia has mentioned that as well. But she was particularly interested in seeing if she could fit an Alexandrite gem that she has in her possession." (A What's Eye??????)

Caroline: "Very interesting. Here are three working models of the Vertu devices. Where would she be interested in placing them?"

Hideo: "May I?" (holy cow! the $20,000 phone! Three of 'em RIGHT HERE! I can buy a Lexus with these phones!!! Let's see, wearing wingtips. Despite Tom Cruise's example in "The Client", I found that it's impossible to run in dress shoes. Darn.)


Caroline: "Why certainly. Notice the attention to detail. The tactile sensation of the ruby-geared keys. And the sleek design by Kris Bostloft. You may have noticed his work with light and shadows being displayed on the LCDs."

Hideo: "...Interesting. This is exactly as my employer has expected the device to be." (She expected it to be expensive. Hmmm, this phone was designed by the nostril-cam video guy? Come to think of it, I CAN check my nose hair on the shiny platinum surface. Wait - better pluck that one when I get a chance to duck into the restroom...!)

I spend a couple more seconds scrutinizing the phone from every angle. I have a look of intense scrutiny on my face. I usually get that when there's a strong glare flashing into my eyes. Caroline remains silent, taking in my obvious appreciation of her mobile artwork.

[once again, to be continued]

Vertu-ally wealthy

A work buddy of mine is making a trip down to Singapore. I haven't been in almost 4 years, but I thought I'd offer up some advice on what to do when one finds one's self on the equator. So I dug up notes from 2002 wherein I ventured to a store that sells $5000 cellphones. (Thanks to Syl for keeping my ramblings in archive!)

=======insert Wayne's World Flashback music here=====

lightness. darkness. a long-shot of a mountain range. an extreme close-up of what could be a man's nostril. These images softly assail me from the LCD panels hanging from the ceiling. I look around - the showroom, if it can be called that, screams neuvo-Europa, but in a subdued kind of way. It's actually a bit schizophrenic. Welcome to the Paragon, Home of Vertu, I say to myself. I feel pretty darn uncomfortable, but I steel myself, knowing that what I am about to do is for the good of mankind.

rewind 15 minutes. I'm in the hotel, changing from the dress shirt I was wearing all day into a freshly pressed shirt I packed just for the occasion. The shirt is starched so sharp, I can cut vegetables with my collar. I look in the mirror, and practice my aloof "yes, yes, I've seen it before. If my employer didn't insist on it, I wouldn't even be here" expression. Snicker. Gotta watch that.

Off to present. My shirt is already damp from the Enterprise-class humidity (that's 99.999% for the marketing-to-English translation) and no longer looks sharp. I'd be lucky to chop tofu with my collar now. My aloof, worldly expression has transformed itself into one of bewilderment and confusion. This is one weird store. The display pedestals which showcase the phone, nay, communication devices, suggest icy pillars reaching to the heavens (in case the heavens wanted to order out for a flood or tornado, I suppose). These displays, obviously, do not add to my comfort level.

"Weeeelcome Mr. Hideo!" sings Samantha, a sales/marketing manager at Vertu. She is dressed in black, no doubt to match the decor of the showroom.

"Hello, you must be Samantha."

"Yeeees! We were SOooo looking forward to meeting you. Please, this way," she purred, as she lead me to one of three back offices.

There, in the clean and minimalist dark-coloured office, sat Caroline, the assistant Boutique Manager (also dressed in black, by the way).

"This is Caroline, she will be attempting to understand Ms. Sylvia's needs and desires."

(Uh..that's an awful lotta prying. Maybe you should ask Sylvia these things directly!)

"But of course," I reply nonchalantly.

Samantha then graciously slides out, leaving me alone with the ever-smiling Caroline....

to be continued!

Viral Marketing

ok, so maybe it's more like "Bacterial Marketing."

The building clean-up crew will probably take these down the next time they come thru here. Too bad it will have to come down so quickly. Two weeks is such a short time...!

Five Second Rule

Catering overflows. That's when somebody calls a lunch meeting for 8, but six of those end up dialing in. Which of course, means leftover food being sent to the breakroom for the Cube hyenas and Office vultures to pick at. Hey you need those scavengers. Didn't you see the Lion King? Circle of Life and all. Yeah that's right. Now put down that roast beef, twinkie; I saw it first.

At any rate, there was a full fruit plate in the breakroom today. Almost totally untouched, brimming with melons, berries, pinepple, and...cream cheese (guess they ate all the bagels). I grabbed a paper plate and plastic fork, and started munching. There were a number of folks that filed thru, and I was left with a burning question. Why is it that people will use a plate and fork unless they're "just going to take one piece" -- in which case they feel free to use their fingers? Maybe it's like the old 5 second rule: if you drop food on the floor, you're safe if you pick it up and eat it within 5 seconds; the germs dont react fast enough and don't have time to jump from the floor to the food morsel.

I pondered the delicious thought of eating something that's been touched by ten unwashed hands. Then I shrugged and kept munching.

Hints and Tips

I realize now that in our connected Human Network world, expert advice is available at every water cooler. Office pundits, some of whom have actually seen live marathon events first-hand, have been offering me a veritable treasure trove of useful advice:

-You can cram for a race. Just run 52.6 miles the night before. In a crunch, you can always just run to the start line.

-Alternate between wearing your right sneaker and your left. It wears out more evenly.

-Training is all about acclimating your body to the rigours of running the distance. So apply hot irons to your legs every other day and get dragged behind a slow-moving automobile.

-Train with music; it drowns out distractions like car horns.

-Best part of running long distances is stopping. So by standing there with that dumb look on your face, you're half way there.

Thankfully, there are also pros like Linda and Tom to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Chumster Pony

Do you know what the heck a Backstroke Pony is? Or a Chumster Pony is? Well consider youself lucky if you do not. We, unfortunately, know. Like millions of parents out there, we have a young daughter who totally digs the My Little Pony series. These colorful, plastic quadripeds have been around since I was a kid. Back to 1981 I think? Never for a moment did I suspect that 25 years later, I'd be shelling out hard-earned cash on these little beasties.

I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky. Our friends' daughter has 99 of these little buggers! Ours only has 28.

You know what the amazing thing is? Though Hasbro launches a new set of ponies every year, I don't think they've ever repeated a name. I gotta suspect though that they're running short on ideas. Bet ya ten bucks that you'd find stuff in Hasbro's R&D department of concepts like : "My Little Pony Bodily Function Series: Gassy, UpChuckie, Phlemgnina.

New Year's Resolutions

Last year, I resolved to sign up for a full marathon. So I did. I signed up for one back in December. Hey, I didn't say that I had to RUN it did I?

Learning about how sneaky my future self can be, I reworded my 2007 resolution. "Run a full marathon."

Croatoan

Mysterious message left for me by my Friday afternoon self. So here I am, Monday morning, steaming paper cup full of coffee in hand. Have no idea what this cryptic note was referring to. It was obviously important to me at the time because it ends with not one, but two "!!."

Perhaps it was a New Year's Resolution of some kind?

Where art thou?

Ah EXACTLY what I needed -- a GPS navigation system!! I'm a directional idiot. To say that I have no capacity or instinct for knowing the points on a compass is like saying that McDonald's food contain some artificial additives.

I had stayed away for years from this new-fangled tech. I guess I was scared off because I saw ver 1.0 of these things up close. Back in the day, 1989-ish, my parentals had one of these gizmoes installed in the family sedan. It was monochrome, no voice activation, and consisted of about 128Kb of data; roughly equivalent to a MP3 file barely long enuf to reasonably play Name That Tune. At any rate, that first iteration was downright unusable. Its accuracy was measured in terms of State lines -- "Make a right turn at Massachusetts. You are now on the East Coast," the text would helpfully scroll.

But this new GPS is a beaut. If I don't listen to the helpful soothing voice instructions, and miss yet another turn; no problem! It cheerfuly recalcualtes the route and helpfully offers a recovery path. No getting lost in an urban maze where a flat tire and an empty tank of gas would force one to make a pitstop in an..unadvisable section of town. That was 1996 I think -- the ver 2.0 model guided me to a Los Angeles street with the same sounding name, but with a violent crime rate roughly 30x the place I wanted to arrive at. I still remember reaching the pay phone, listening for the dial tone and noticing that the coin receptacle had been gutted with something that leaves scrotch marks. Rather than ask directions from the nice gentlemen enjoying their liquid dinners from a brown paper bag, I proceeded to thump along on three tires to the next town...

I digress. It's too bad that the only places that I've gone since acquiring this new model is work and back. But I can tell you that I know exactly how to get home from here, thanks to the wonders of satellite navigation technology!!

Situational Morality

Three Moral Dilemmas I faced today:

6:12am Garbage disposal day in my neighborhood. My recycle bin was full. My neighbor's was not. Cool to take the one bag of cans that didn't fit and toss it in my neighbor's bin?


1:02 pm Office neighbor leaves 3 cookies unattended in her space. Those will likely get eaten at any given moment by unscrupulous passerby. Should I eat those, as she'd be happier knowing that someone she knows ate her cookies and not some random stranger?


3:20pm Notice that stall#2 in the men's room is out of paper. Just then, a person I don't know bursts into the bathroom with a distinct air of urgency about him. He beelines straight for stall#2, dives in, and locks the door. Should I offer a warning, or wash my hands of the situation (literally), and walk away?

Doing much better, thanks

"Good to see ya back at work -- how're you feeling?"

"Oh, about 30ft, thanks"

Recovery from this year's little epidemic is measured in terms of radius from the nearest, um...public facility.

urg...

Double the Fun! Low-grade cold but too much to do that I don't wanna call in sick. So the solution?
An Airborne tablet dissolved in office coffee! Now I can get my 500x dosage of vitamin C and antioxidants in a de-li-cious blend of sludgy 2-day-old coffee with a hint of effervecent citric flavors! Effects: Staves off cold, may cause nausea. Best idea since meat flavoured ice cream topped with anchovies.

Remember who PWNS you

This morning, the all-too-common combo of time-crunch, hunger, and mental weakness conspired to have me walk into McDonald's for Breakfast#3. As I received the 38 cents in change, I say, "Thanks. Have a good one." Expecting either a vague forced smile or a "You too!," I was taken aback by what the cashier said.

After a barely perceptible pause, the teenage avatar of Ronald the purveyor of reconstituted beef products seemed to look into my soul and intoned, "...see you again SOON..!"

How...does...he...know? Sudden...craving...for...Quarter..Pounder..with...Cheese.

Shout out to our peeps in Chicago!

Why, do you ask, do we put up with a highway system that doubles as a parking lot, and housing costs that are measured in terms of how many times one has to die and collect life insurance?

Oh I dunno. But I must say it was chilly n San Jose, CA this morn; temp dipped 60F (17C). Brr...better break out the long-sleeve T-shirts.

Back in Black

phew. Been a while since I posted.

Hectic times!!

I had the kids solo while Harumi was outta town. Sure no prob, I said to her as I dropped her off at SF Int'l. That last statement mockingly echoed thru my head over and over for the next 8 days...

First off, both our kids have carpool arrangements with two different sets of families. So it's like this: Mondays, Anna goes to school with her buddies Annabella and Samuel, but I only pick up Anna and Samuel. Tuesdays, Annabella's mom picks up and I pick up Anna and Annabella and two bags of groceries. Each day is a different iteration of who does the pickups and which kids get picked up. For our son Rei, something similar -- a combo of playdates/carpool/after school activity.

Oh yeah, I was stressed as hell. Nightmares of coming home with the wrong set of kids danced in my dreams. Harumi thoughtfully provided a dossier by day, of everything I needed to know, complete with pictures and warnings. "Don't turn on the DVD for too long or Rei gets carsick." Next line: "Since you ignored my previous note, the wipes are under the front seat."

At any rate, I'm back in the office. Doing budget, playing with pictures on Powerpoint, and generally re-laxing. Because all this, my friends, is INFINITELY easier than being a full-time homemaker. So if you have a stay-at-home spouse, go home and thank them today!!

Oh yeah, *your* head is Orthogonal too!

I noticed that several words become trendy in the office lexicon and catch fire. Everyone from Junior Woodchuck Billy the Intern to VP of Life-or-Death start using these words in their watercooler conversations and presentations. This month's Hot Words: Orthogonal and Gestalt.

Most of the word fashion leaders use the words correctly, but as time goes on, office barbarians start picking up the words and proceed to butcher them.

"Hey you clumsy oaf! The damn chassis is orthogonal now -- we'll have to sell it as a refurb!"
"Oh, I sit directly orthogonal to where Bill's office is"
"Those marketing people are so dang tight fisted; they're like the Money Gestalt."
"I'm feeling a bit gestalt from the chicken; mind if I take the afternoon off?"
(Achoo!) "Gestalt! Now wipe off your monitor"

Back When I was Your Age...

Yesterday I went to get Biometrics (aka fingerprints) as part of a form I filled out for the Immigration folks. I haven't been at the US Immigration office in years, so I was surprised at how different it was. Way back when, a vist to the House that Bureacracy Built would entail a 6-8 hour wait. Worse yet, becase it was first-come, first-served with a daily cap of how many people can enter its hallowed halls, people would line up at 4am (4 hours before the doors opened at 8am) and secure a spot early enuf in the line that they fall within the daily limit. The lights were off, there were no restrooms, and it was miserable.

But no more! I was all prepared with three novels, a thermous full of coffee, snacks, a blanket, and an empty bottle for..um emptying things, but I didn't need any of it! I just waltzed in at my appointed time, filled out some forms, got fingerprinted, then I was on my way. Total time elapsed: 12 minutes. And the fingerprinting machine was just plain grand. No more sticking your fingers in that inky sponge and tasting ink on your french fries for the next 48 hrs. Today, it was a purpose-built finger scanner that took a digitized photo and immediately loaded it in my profile. Instantly, this was merged in the backend to the Mother of All Databases and crossindexed with my finacial info, police records, and education history. Amazing stuff. Even more amazing, as I finished scanning my left index finger, the printer attached to the scanner churned out a coupon of Dannon's yogurt (what I had for breakfast), and printed out "2nd floor, 3pm. " which was the time of my next meeting. Truely Amazing.

Despair!

We have this teleconferencing app that announces when someone dials into or out of a meeting. "Hideo has just joined the meeting" the automated robo-voice soothingly declares. It is a bit disruptive though, as the announcement cuts off all conversation in the interim. This is especially so when attendants arrive late or leave early. I usually don't miss a beat when these interruptions occur, but today was different.

I work frequently with a marketer called Hope. When she dropped off of the line to attend another meeting, she had a different effect. "Hope has just left the meeting." Even the robo-voice sounded like it was at the end of its rope. Are things truely Hope-less? Are things so bleak? And must you, auto-attendant, remind me that all we are is Dust in the Wind? I paused mid-sentence and found myself a bit despondent. But then, a colleague IMed me a YouTube video featuring a Indian toddler doing 80's dance moves (think: Breakin' 2; Electric Bugaloo ." Synopsis: A developer tries to bulldoze a community recreation center. The local breakdancers try to stop it). I put the phone on mute, enjoyed a chuckle, and life moved on; despite the fact that all hope had left the meeting.

Truth in Advertisement

I had McDonald's coffee this morn, because slabs of lard and reconstituted deep-fried potato parts taste better with it. Aside from the somewhat appalling fact that I consumed 57% of my daily recommended sodium intake before 7:15am, it was an altogether pleasant experience. And the coffee wasn't half bad. This is different, I thought to myself. But What?

Oooh me me me me! My styrofoam cup virtually trembled with excitement, like the way a class of 1st graders would react when asked, "Who wants to say screw school and have recess all day?" So I oblige and look at the colorful wrap.

Premium Roast Coffee! Fresh Brewed! Custom Blended. Richer. Bolder. More Robust*! Caution, I'm HOT!

Wow! You're right, styrofoam cup! You do taste better! Even with the qualifier small print on the bottom of the cup that says *Compared with Previous Blends, Mileage May Vary, you're okay in my book.