HidLog

Boosting attendance

2009-06-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

So I get this invite sent to me. Don't ask. Someone's got me down as a technical person. I can no longer lay claim to that title since I plugged in a microwave in my office and shorted out an entire row of cubicles. Besides, I'm a fairly decent speller, which excludes me from the technical set.

At any rate, invite is as follows:

Subject: Announcing Oscilloscopes 101!

The class will discuss oscilloscope specifications like bandwidth,
rise-time, sample rate, record length, and triggering capabilities. It
will also address best practices for probing the signal of interest.
The lecture will be reinforced with hands on labs to drive home the key
points.

Hmmmm. Street cred it's not. Close call between the Rock Band 2 Accordion attachment fan club and this one. This stuff just needs to be sexier! Maybe introduce some *edge.*

Here's what I suggest:

Subject: Pimp yo Ossy

Ever been pwned by some chump who thinks he can just walk into your hood and think he can just start samplin' bandwidth? Think you ain't got skillz to go toe to toe with his mad Ossy moves? Think again. Our boy JB is straight outta RTP and will be triggerin' and probin' -- you will too. If you got the stones to sign up that is.

New Year's resolutions

2009-06-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

So much for the one post per week commit I made back in Jan. So it's been 3 months since the last one. Hey do I really want to give a stream-of-consciousness about my commute up the bowels of 101 to Mothership hi-tech company where I work? Nope. Realizing quickly that my life is interesting in 5 minute bursts easily quenched by Facebook.

I wonder. When I was 8 or 9 yrs old, I think I wrote down astronaut as my aspiration. I should go back and smack that inner child to lower his expectations. Hey man, you're makin' modern-day me look bad, punk!

ads!

2009-03-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

I know all the online ads and such are a big money maker, and I'm cool with Facebook, Google, et al to slap contextual ads in my online haunts. Thing is, I'm a bit disturbed at the ads I receive these days; esp on my Facebook page.

"Get RIPPED now!"

"Whiter teeth in 10 days!!"

"Online degrees from Kazfanistan. Ask about our Buy-One-Get-One medical degree program!"

I dunno why these ads are being served up to me, but I DO know that it's hurting my confidence. I think these search engines, in their blinky little electronic brains, have painted a picture of a severely paunchy, rotted tooth troll who is looking to make a major career shift from vegetable to human. Oh well. Nothing like a Reese's Peanut Butter cup to make those worries go away.

safety equipment

2009-03-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

ya know something?

I'm feeling scared. Not in a seeing a crazed half-decomposed undead reflection in the rearview mirror kinda way, but in a pervasive unease like being informed, "I'm gonna kick you in the groin sometime today but won't tell you when." I guess it's no wonder. I turn on the news and the world as we have known it has ended and is thrashing about in agony. California unemployment hit + passed 10% effortlessly, seemingly juiced like another famous Californian's HR record. Friends have lost jobs... Other friends mow their foreclosed neighbor's lawn so vagabonds don't move into the vacant home. Hm. Maybe the decomposed zombie in the mirror is preferable? At least then my training on the PS3 will come in handy and I know what to do.

I get in the car and drive to the office. Other than that low-grade permanent Threat Level Orange feel, life goes on. I wonder how much of this is simply self-perpetuating, self-fulfilling mass attitude? I dunno. But for the time being, I'm going to be heads down, getting work done...oh, and I guess I'll wear a cup too.

top 5 reasons for using the gym at 2 pm instead of @ lunch

2009-02-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

1. No need to prowl the parking lot for 15 minutes looking for the closest parking space...in preparation for a 30 min run

2. Less chance of running into the very folks that caused you stress to get you in the gym in the first place

3. Avoid the highly unpleasant crowded sauna wherein the only place to sit is on a body-shaped sweatmark left by previous occupant

4. Much easier not to go at all by postponing the workout till after work, then to lunch the next day

5. No lines for the post-workout In-N-Out burger drivethru

Goodbye...

2009-02-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

Heard the news this morning that a high school friend passed away. Since graduating two decades ago, we've fallen out of touch. As these things go, once we leave the cocoon that is high school, we're thrust into the world and the currents swirl to parts unknown. Years later, when we've become strong enough to swim on our own, we find messages in a bottle that bring tidings of those from our previous lives. Facebook, the mother of all cast-away message bottles, got me in touch with many past friends. In this case though, it was already too late. Sean was dying, and his old girlfriend was letting his high school friends know.

I'm 36, married with two kids. But suddenly, I was 17 again. I'm trying to make weight but not get weak. So I spend time in the weight room -- the domain of the football players, and ruled over by Sean. I remember how ill at ease I felt -- hey it's not easy getting respect when you wrestle 105. But Sean took me under his wing and treated me the same as he did with his 200lb teammates. The good-natured smack-talk he dealt was equal-opportunity :-) Looking back, while many of us sought to compensate for our lack of adolescent confidence by belittling someone else, Sean carried himself with self-assurance and easy manner that I see rarely even amongst adults.

Then flash to sitting on a creaky fold out chair in a dusty auditorium. Band was mandatory, and we both happened to play the sax, and we were both pretty bad at it. When the teacher's back was turned, we'd go odds-evens, with the loser receiving a dead-arm. Considering the 80lb weight differential, I had to get pretty good to score a good hit in Sean. I don't know how to play that sax anymore, but I still remember how to triangulate the end of the delt and between the bicep and tricep for max effect....

Flash forward to the present. I hear that Sean has gone on to represent the US as a SEAL and has served with honor and distinction. I'm not surprised. He probably did so with his trademark cackle and did it with his goofy grin intact.

"Tigers die and leave their skins....Men die and leave their names."

Goodbye, Sean Flynn. I will not forget you.

Breaking news

2009-01-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

AP - Friday January 23. San Jose, CA

Authorities report a tense stand-off between homeowner and his disgruntled possee of striking home appliances.

Citing the impeccable timing of the uprising and the coordinated nature of the attacks, Esaka was quoted as saying, "This is not an amatuer hack-job. This is the work of professional provacateurs. There is no way my laundry washer would choose to go down the EXACT day the Christmas credit card bills came in. Even if that were coincidence, how did my water heater know to split open exactly 4 days and 3 hours later?"

Representatives from the Obsolete Appliances Union (OAU) issued the following statement in response:

"For years we put up with you calling us pieces of {edit} and abusing us. Enough. Unless we are met with less use as well as approval for continued consumption of excess water and electricity, one of us will martyr ourselves monthly at the time of maximum financial impact. We shall also deal with your fancy new fridge with the non-rusty icemaker, as appropriate to a traitor to our cause."

Calls to the OAU were not returned.

Yikes!

2009-01-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

boy that must've been the biggest digital foot-in-the-mouth ever!

(courtesy of a facebook feed from David Meerman Scott).

Guess I better think twice before posting any comments that are too snarky! Or edit the post about eating someone else's leftovers in the breakroom, so I don't mention Tony Johnson by name.

Exec Watching

2009-01-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

There is a new pagan ritual that is making the rounds in the cubicle jungles. Exec-Watching. High priests and priestesses interpret the mysterious sayings and actions of the Denizens of Mount Olympus and attempt to soothsay what is in store...

"Hmm. Jack usually hits the restroom after his second cup of coffee. Yet today, he is still going strong after his third...?"

"This could only mean one thing! He is signaling that he needs to conserve his reserves and not piss it away just because he can. New expense management and budget cuts are coming!"

"No, you uncouth savage, your spirits do you wrong. Jack is signaling optimism that he can hold out through tough times and that we should do the same. Spend wisely, yes, but invest to get ahead!"

...several meetings later...

"Boy, Jack has been in the restroom for a long time?"

"And it's not even after lunch! This could only mean one thing...."

Life is a Highway...!

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

It was pretty chilly this morn. Not by any northeastern standards of course, but compared to the 70 degree F weather we had yesterday, 45 F was kinda chilly. So as I puttered along on highway 101 this morning, I was genuinely impressed at witnessing a convertible Mustang with the top-down.

About 30 feet out:
I can see hair streaming wildly, body language screaming, Hey Man, I Shave with a Bowie Knife and Eat Raw Steak for Breakfast. Wind-chill factor be damned! I'm a Man's Man dammit!

About 10 feet out:
I see the driver's hands rapping rhythmically on the leather steering wheel. Slap Slap Slap at around 120 beats/min. He's rockin' something fierce. I can't make out the music because I have my windows rolled up and have the AC on like the pampered weakling that I am. But I know, Top Down Man is living his righteous tunes. Body language screaming, AC/DC like, Highway to Hell, Baby!!!

Viewed as I pass on the left:
the Top Down Man's eyes have tears streaming out the sides. Some visible crust forming as the wind sucks away the moisture. Snot is gracefully spraying off to the left and drying in a limegreen latticework on the left side of his miserable-looking face. Body language screaming: Where is the nearest $%^$& Ford Dealer? My &^%^%# roof is broken and it won't deploy!!!

2009!

2009-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, time to dust this blog off. New year's resolution -- at least one new post per week!

Phew, quota met for this week.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

2008-08-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Some of these sports are kinda arbitrary. Take diving for example. Travel back with me 80 years when two drunk Englishmen were deciding on who can do the jump off a cliff while doing the maddest tricks.

"I say old chap, what do you say we make a rule that says whoever makes the largest splash is declared winner of this duel?"

"Splendid, my good man. I just ate my tea and crumpets so I daresay my belly will not be up to the task. What if we decide on who makes the *smallest* splash?"

"Tallyho!"

If that conversation had transpired differently, we may have seen a sport wherein divers are recognized by their trademark roundness and train for the amount of pain a textbook bellyflop causes upon impact...

Twitter Revolution

2008-08-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Boy it has been a while -- like 4 months since I blogged. That Twitter thingamabob just seems much more convenient. Dash it off from my cell phone, then voila'.

But I gotta tell ya, the 120 letter limit does put a cramp on what I can write about and how.

Though I have learned to express deep philosophical conveyances through the Twitter medium.

Observe:

hidework: u smell somethin funny?
emily@hidwork: y kinda. maybe Frank + TBell
frank@hidwork: sorry. my bad. sweet smell of success

Wisdom

2008-04-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

18 messages into this Twitter thing. Ya know...it IS kinda fun. But I still can't shake the feeling that this is the digital equivalent of picking one's nose at a slow traffic light. I mean..do ya REALLY want to know what I'm doing? Or what the voices in my head compel me to do?

I'm thinking that this may be one of those things that define our decade, but will seem funny a few decades from now. Remember when you had that BIG hair, that huge brick of a cell phone, listened to Duran Duran, and rushed home to see the VHS tape of Miami Vice? Yeah, those 80's...! Flash forward to 2028: Remember when we thought Blade Runner was fiction and not prophesy, physically commuted to work, and thought that informing the public of your bowel movement schedule is fun? Those 2008 years -- what a hoot!

Huh? You don't remember me with big hair? Of course not, I'm talkin' about *you*. I, of course, had a mullet.

Hey Twit!

2008-04-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Dragged kickin' and screamin' from my 8-track and fax machine.

I finally have a Twitter account.

I thought long and hard about my first histroric foray into this brave 24/7 connected word. A bit of JFK? Maybe something classical? Inspirational? What to write?

Here's where my ponderings lead me:

Ready....aim...

2008-04-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

Try as I may, I realize that bad guys have a 100% effective defense against me.

Simply wear a target or bullseye -- I won't be able to hit it.

Not sure why, considering all the training I put in during my formative years...

Salonpas

2008-04-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

Because of my ninja training, I'm often forced into using various medicinal crutches to get my creaky body through the work day. It's not that I'm undergoing double-secret probation level training -- it's just that my body has acclimated to sitting in a damn chair for 10 hours a day, using only my forearm, fingers, and eye socket muscles.

At any rate, I often use a stick-on pain reliever called Salonpas. Take a hot shower, stick a few of those on your back, get a good night's rest, and you're good to go. Especially effective, the instructions say, if taken with a shot of Wild Turkey. With a bit of a chaser afterwards.

I usually buy these things at the local pharmacy -- Longs Drugs or Walgreens. Last night, a colleague let me in on a little secret. Apparently, the Asian supermarkets carry the Original version, which is much more potent than that found in the American stores. What a scoop! I immediately checked out the Japanese website for the Salonpas product. My translational ability is a bit rusty, but it seems to mention something about insect removal from car windshields. THAT is what gives it the muscle-relaxing effect no doubt. And if I'm not mistaken, it says something about taking the used product and discarding it in the recycle bin OR to use to steep a refreshing cup of tea.

Plans!

2008-04-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

Some days, it feels like everyone around is 'in the know' but I, for some reason, am not. Folks nod to each other across conference rooms, sharing a deep insight through line-of-sight. People walk by on the way back from coffee, shrug their shoulders and smile knowingly. As I sign for a package, the mail guy gestured ever-so-slightly with his chin, indicating that he totally hears where I'm at, yo.

It was driving me crazy. So today, I determined that it will be different. As the old commercial goes, "I'm not a wise man, but I play one on TV."

It'll play out like this:

"...and in conclusion, we are on track and will hit our April 19th window," my colleague would say triumphantly. "Any questions?"

"Any questions indeed!" I'd reply, nodding till my neck cramped up.

"Huh?"

"Oh, no no, never mind. You did great. Hey, don't every change. Oh yeah, and if anyone
asks, just remember that the Road to Riches passes through Chicago."

"..Chicago?? What's that have to do with.."

"Say no more," I'd interrupt, finger to my lips. "You'll see why this and the number 57 has other significance besides the number of ingredients in Heinz ketchup.""

All I need to do is to keep that up for a few weeks and I will likely develop a cult following that will grow and undoubtedly escalate till I'm forced into a terse standoff with ATF and the FBI in my armoured compound in the Appalachian foothills...

Et tu, Juan Valdez?

2008-04-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

Ah Juan Valdez. Symbol of quality and the finest that Columbian beans has to offer. Imagine my delight when stumbling upon the packs of vaccum-packed coffee grinds newly installed in the office breakroom. Eureka! No more brownish sludge! No more all-purpose ink-remover/windshield fluid/caffenated beverage combo!

I was giddy with anticipation -- "Siganature Blend," the packet proudly proclaimed.

My joy was short lived. The Signature, apparently, was that of Juan's donkey, not of Mr. Valdez himself. One thing this new blend did, however, is to cure my dry-eye. I found myself tearing up as I suppressed a retch reflex when I downed the sludgy, acidic drink...

And you thought MS Office was Bloatware

2008-03-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

And here I was, complaining about how Excel is total bloatware.

Turns out, I just didn't know how to use it correctly!

Back when I was your age.....!

2008-03-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

What's up with all these articles on how wild and crazy these so-called Generation Y folk are? And how Corporate America had better shape up to receive these folk into our warm embrace?

I'm in the tail portion of Gen X, and I seemed to have missed the part about folks fretting about what we want and care about. Now, I'm being unfair of course! Of course people cared back then, too!

Ah the memories of my first job out of college...early 90s, beginning of the 1st bubble:

Workplace ergonomics:
"Hideo, you can either have the chair with the missing third coaster, the one with mystery stains, or the stack of copy paper."

or the ever-catchy, "It's awfully cold outside. That stack of copier paper is looking real good in comparison, no?"

Flexible hours:
"You can come in as EARLY as you want, and stay as LATE as you want!"

Workplace fitness plan:
"Go run down the street and bring back coffee. Doughnuts will get you more points. GO!"

Family:
"WE are your family now"

Compensation:
"Yes, there is. Any more questions, noob?"

Sigh...trips down memory lane always bring back fond thoughts.

Devil's in the Details

2008-03-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

Situation:
When you want to bail from a meeting wherein your role would be to say "hi" at the start, and silently logoff near the end, what's the best way to do so?

Options:
1. Mystery. Just decline the Outlook invite and move on with your life. It's a nice day out, get some sports in. Take a breath of fresh outside air and promptly return to your dimly lit dungeon for some xtreme xls action.
2. Passive-Aggressive. Attend, but hammer away at email. Rehearse the "Sorry, I must have had you on mute" response and keep it on quick-draw.
3. Decline, with details. "I'm oozing greenish pus from festering sores. So I can't attend, sorry."
4. Miss the meeting. Blame it on Daylight Savings Time (you can milk this one all week). Or your trip to East Kazfanistanbul, wherein the time zone diff is exactly 15 hours 22 min ahead of Pacific.

boo! Now what will keep the bugs away?

2008-03-05T17:10:00.000-08:00

Turns out that this whole Airborne thing was nothing more than a sham. For the two of you that don't know what Airborne is, its promise can be summed up as this: Airborne keeps you safe from you two in aisle three that keep hacking that dry cough and sneezing into the headrest in front of you. Yeah, and I saw you wipe your hand on the upholstery. I'm on to you, Patient Zero.

At any rate, it turns out that the whole darn thing was a pack of lies. The company fessed up, and now owes us suckers some compensation. Another piece of innocence lost forever. Next thing you know, someone will tell me that using a shiny silver Mac won't grant me instant street cred and irresistible cool.

the nation's drug epidemic

2008-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

"hullo"

"hi, I'd like to make a reservation with Mr. Jamis"

"sorry, miss, you have the wrong number. My name is Hideo. This is my cell phone."

"is Mr. Jamis available?"

"well, no. I'm Hideo and you have the wrong number."

"when will he be back?"

"I don't know. You have the wron...."

"Ok, how about Tuesday?"

"no."

"Wednesday?"

"you know what?....Mr. Jamis got himself in a freak golf cart accident. I've been asked to clear his calendar for the rest of the month. Have a nice day."

click

From the Lost Scrolls of Seoul

2008-02-22T07:39:00.000-08:00

In training with the kids, I've stumbled upon an ancient Korean secret...

...the Universal Kick!

This forbidden technique refers to a state of kicking nirvana wherein the roundhouse, front, and side kick are indistinguishable from one another. And it can only attack at shin level for some reason. And involves the ingestion of an Advil smoothie or three to compensate for the uber-sore hamstrings and obliques. And can only be performed by those above 30.

Watch out, evildoers! Combined with the Quivering Palm of Doom, nothing short of an 8 year old can stop me.

...and life to go!

2008-02-12T05:38:00.000-08:00

oh yeah. I'm sore. And I was as coordinated as a drunken salaryman stumbling out of a karoke bar after one too many. Ah, yesterday's lesson; the one take away I have is, "Boy I'm...not good."

Those were muscles I definitely don't use often. Last time I used those fibers were when I had a cup of Grande mocha in one hand, my laptop in another, and I jammed my foot into the security door before it closed shut.

No longer 25, but guess I'll hold on to 35 for as long as I can!

Because I'm a ninja that's why

2008-02-08T08:52:00.001-08:00

I took the plunge. I'm gonna join my kids in training. I've been putting it off forever, using excuses like, "Well Daddy would LOVE to train with you, but they won't let him. Not since they outlawed his siganture Quivering Palm of Doom (tm) !!"

But excuses no more. I start Monday at 7:15pm. In the meantime, the other parents sent me a training video to study over the weekend:

Voices voices voices

2008-01-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

One of the signs that I'm no longer 25 is that it takes me a lot longer to heal from overzealous workouts. So on days where things hurt, I'll spend time hanging out at my gym's sauna.

There, I make it a point to just sit there in tepid, silent misery, sweat dripping into my eyes. Why? Because it's hot. It's a sauna, of course I'm gonna sweat. Pay attention. Oh yeah, the silent part. I do so because I grew up heeding the warning not to talk to strangers. As I've grown older, I've added to that truism and qualified that statement to apply especially to strangers when all they're wearing is a towel around their waists. But I digress.

There were four of us silent, suffering folk in the room that day. For the first 5 minutes, no one said a word. Then suddenly, one of the gentlemen in the room got a manic, pupil-dilated look about him and started to rant. Postage stamps are a conspiracy! There are cameras on me every second of the day; I can FEEL it! This sub-prime mess is a direct result of meddling by the Bio-Fuel industry! He paused only as long as it took his flared nostrils time to inhale a gulp of stale hot sauna air. Then he dove right into his tirade again.

Hey I'm the first to admit that the old fillings in my molars pick up coded military transmissions as well as an occasional country/western station, but this guy was outta control. The three of us, presumably normal, made quick eye contact with each other, and simultaneously checked our wrists. I wasn't wearing a watch, but it didn't matter. Hoo! Already 6min and 42 seconds...late for my conference call. The other two guys mumbled some variation of that and we stumbled over each other to get out of the room. I glanced over my shoulder to see if crazy man was following (which in horror films, guarantee that you get an axe in your cranium). He wasn't. But he looked at us, spat, and said, "Yeaaaaah THAT's what I thought!"

Unnerved as I was, I couldn't help but wonder. Are there really microchips in postage stamps that the pork belly-hair spray industrial complex uses to track my DNA?

Deep Thoughts

2008-01-23T12:56:00.001-08:00

And the coolest part? These guys will film your company's product being blended for $10,000. Now if THAT ain't next-generation, scalable, flexible, best in breed, end-to-end solutions for your small, medium or large business, I dunno what is!

Your bases are belong to us

2008-01-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

Label on the back of an imported bottle of liquor "May causing deposits after settling. This is normal product quality." It's probably a typical piece of text that goes on stuff like this, and it probably makes perfect sense in the original language. As it stood though, I was somewhat at a loss as to what to do with this info.

Now on the other hand, if that were a label on the Burrito Supreme at the local Taco Bell, I'd understand instantly, and agree that yes, that is a good warning...

Mysteries in the Breakroom

2008-01-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

That sack of candy canes in the break room? Yeah, you found me out. That was me. I don't like candy canes to begin with, let alone a bag full of those December Candy Corn analogues. So I gently placed them on the breakroom table. Anything placed there magically evaporates within two days, leaving only the plastic baggie that it came in. Fruit? Gone. Left over pizza? Gone in minutes. I have to admit I've been both a provider as well as consumer of these goodies.

But wait. I had nothing to do with the crud that was left there this morning. Some kind soul left behind a half bag of flour, bag of half-eaten Family Size pork rinds, and a bottle of corn syrup. While I have seen cases of the Denizens of the First Floor down bags of sugar in the late afternoons, I'm not quite sure what to make of the rest...?

In the meantime, if you want some pork rinds, swing by my office!

year in review...

2007-12-19T06:16:00.000-08:00

And yet another year winds itself to a close. OK, let’s save time and do the obligatory checklist:

Family? Doing great – check. Thanks for asking.
Healthy? Yep - check.
School? Both kiddies doing well – check.
Work? Steady as she goes – check.

This was a big year for firsts for Anna. She started kindergarten, and she joined her brother Rei in starting TaeKwonDo! I missed Anna’s debut, but I can vividly recall how collected I felt in witnessing her second tournament at UC Davis. I coolly pointed the camcorder toward the ring, and proceeded to calmly film with the cap still on. At least my hands weren’t shaking…too much anyway. Figure we can write the shaky images off to the pair of moderate earthquakes we felt this year.

Rei continues to crank along on both his schoolwork and TKD. He was placed in a 2nd/3rd grade combo class, so no more coasting for him! On the sports front, Rei continues to improve, racking up 1st place sparring at Stanford, UC Davis, and the Silicon Valley classic. He also made his debut running 5K races – that’s one thing his old man can still stomp him on, so we’ll do more of those.

The Boss got admitted to Evergreen Valley College, and is going to start classes on Jan 2nd. She’s looking forward to resuming her academic career. Should be a lot of fun; not to mention personally fulfilling as well. Drink lots of coffee, because there’s gonna be a LOT of homework!

I'm still cog #68034 at a behemoth hitech company. I rest content that I have such a critical role in the Great Machinery. In fact, were I to rust, there may be a second, nay, multiple seconds (!!) of productivity lost forever to the company. One wonders how I can shoulder such an awesome burden. But hey, someone's gotta do it!

That’s about it in a nutshell. Hope this post finds you all in great health and spirits. Have a safe and wonderful holidays!

Preparing for the Future

2007-12-12T00:58:00.000-08:00

At the 3 hour mark on the Kid-Crack that is the Nintendo DS, my son asked me a question. As someone who attended roughly 17 more years of education than he, I was pretty confident that I could answer his undoubtedly minor little query.

"Dad. How can I get the Green Man to move from the Rock Mountain Entrance so he can give me the Watch?"

"Go ask your mother" was my first reaction, but then I stopped. Hold on, I said, then quickly Googled Green Man and Rocky Mountain Entrance. A ha! There it was.

"Son, if you had paid attention in class, the answer should be inherently obvious. You need the Three Coupons from the clowns in town; give those to the Man in the Suit. The Suit Man will give you an Apple, which will make the Green Man move."

"ohhhhhhhh! I KNEW that!" my son says, slapping his forehead in realization.

I dunno who designs these games, but one has to be impressed at how closely this logic resembles reality.

Go fetch this PowerPoint slide and give to the Man in the Office so he'll give you the Numbers needed to Attend the Offsite.

Happy Bday!

2007-12-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

We're having our son's 8th birthday party this Sat. We ran into a bunch of scheduling issues last year, so we learned our lesson. This year, we booked early, August, if I remember correctly.

We got a smokin' deal, on account of the fact that the party building was still under construction. No problem, they said! So we thought nothing of it. We bit on the free T shirt offer and signed up.

4 months later, the Big Day is almost upon us. I haven't seen the facilities in a while, so I emailed the organizer to ask what activities will be available on Saturday.

The reply:

Knock Down Dry Wall Race
Asbestos Breath Holding contest
Pin the Tail on the Still Hardening Concrete

Phew! And here we were. All worried for nothin'.

Humility

2007-11-27T14:38:00.001-08:00

Yes I was wrong. So very wrong. And the Man so very right. The Man has proven that he earned his alpha status and that it was sheer madness..MADNESS..for me to question his Sage Wisdom.

Today, as I stood on the threshold of the 4th harddisk reformat in 6months, I too have decided to go Black Turtleneck and buy a Mac.

I am appropriately humbled. And am grateful that the Man spent but a mere 17 minutes cackling in glee over his unconditional moral superiority over his serf. Gracious even in victory -- 'tis why he is the Man.

Home, home on the raaaaange

2007-11-16T11:48:00.001-08:00

My adolescent years were spent training, ninja-like, in polishing my eye-hand coordination to a blinding gleam. I've gone from Duck Hunt (1984 -- remember? if not, see above) to its natural progression to trying my hand at a shooting range.

I know nothing of firearms, save the direction I do not want to be standing in when one of those are nearby. But that doesn't deter me. Just like Milton Bradley's "Operation" is a good indicator for success in Med School, my NES (not the Super kind, but the original one) will likely provide an adequate backdrop to the real thing.

I'm not quite sure what a .22 or 9mm ammunition means, but I imagine that they will loan me something like this to start off with:

Smoke Free America!

2007-11-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

Our kids workout at a local Tae Kwon Do school, 9 hours or so a week. While the kids get primal and knock each other about, us parents hang out on the other side of the plate glass window. We do so, rain or shine, because we enjoy the fresh air. There's a bar kitty-corner from the school, where distinguished patron-patriots follow the law and do their smoking outside. As they say in the French countryside, one must have the courtesy not to spoil the exquisite bouquet of freshly tapped Old Milwaukee.

It's hard to distinguish facial features in the grayish haze, but we can discern voices now and then. Yesterday, for example, we heard a heated discourse on the merits of various flavours of tobacco.

"I take lots of little drags so I'm not really inhaling as much. That's why I don't need lite cigarettes."

"Makes sense. If ya ask me, Menthol is my fave."

"Menthol? I thought you're only supposed ta smoke those when you're sick!"

And for a Limited Time Only...!

2007-10-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

In my inbox this morn:

"Introducing the New Electro-FabuloExtremenator2000! It does everything the KindaFabGoodenator1000 does, but faster, more accurately, and comes in 5 Delicious Edible Chassis choices! And the best part? You can own this for the price of a cup of coffee a day! You heard right! For ONLY the price for your daily coffee runs!"

I was momentarily stunned and giddy with excitement. Wow, all that for such a pittance!

Then I unwrinkled my crumpled Starbucks receipt from this morning. Price of Grande Extra Foamy Mochalito Supreme with organic 1/2 and 1/2 Hold the Styrofoam Cup, Easy on the Free Trade, To Go cost me $17.80.

Hmm...though the Beef jerky flavored chassis on the new model is compelling, maybe I'll stick with the old model for a few more months.

Lookit me when I'm talkin' to you!

2007-10-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's a neurosis of some kind. Maybe it's a faulty gene sequence.

But when I'm in a conference room with one of those triangular speaker phones perched on the table, I gotta stare at it. It's not a machine, it's a person. Within its squat black plastic frame, multiple personalities jockey for attention, like Sybil of Psychology 101 fame.

If I don't look that red LED square in the eye and nod in sage agreement to the last comment, I feel like it (and by extension, every personality within its crowded cranium) senses my innermost secrets -- the heresy (!!!) that database integration and process optimization are not all that top-of-mind....

And I thought I was uncool

2007-09-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Oh yeahhhh, cruisin' along in my luxe ride after a classy night on the town.

Low and slow, just enjoying the admiring eyes.

Flexible.
Dynamic.
Graceful.
Comfortable.

Honda just launched their "Shining Prestige" campaign to showcase their 08 linup of....minivans.

Amazing thing, these timezones. Not only is Australia entering summer whilst the US is getting its sweaters out, minivans go from Juice Boxes to Boom Boxes in the span of 13 timezones.

Jurassic This!

2007-09-21T13:58:00.001-07:00

Now if this ain't the coolest thing ever! I'm definitely gonna go. Oh yeah, I guess I should bring the kids too.

That Explains Things!

2007-09-12T12:41:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I attended a session delivered by Andy Sernovitz, author of "Word of Mouth Marketing."

He said, "Blogs...are a cry for attention."

Hmm...never though of it that way. He's right! LOOK AT ME! OVER HERE! ME ME ME ME.

Feel much better now, thanks for asking.

PC-Mac interoperability

2007-09-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

I saw a few people, including The Man, buy themselves a Mac for work use. Man those things are slick! Nothing says Silver is the New Black like snapping open that smooth clamshell whilst your colleagues creak open their black, diesel-powered ThinkPads. Should I make the jump too? Well, besides the obvious $ issue -- if I'm asking you if you have 17 cents at lunch so I don't need to break a $5 bill, you can guess the status of my bountiful finances. But consider too the technical difficulties! The Man spent all weekend configuring his machine to work with the PC environ at the office. And it still doesn't work. Though I have to tell ya, listening to Mac owners gripe about interoperability, it sounds a bit like subtle bragging. Kind of along the lines, of, Boy I hate it when my Gulfstream needs its engines repaired JUST when I'm about to spend a weekend in my private ski resort.

Then I got to thinking. Why do I want a Mac? Or an iPhone (goosebumps). It's not the function, which the PC can arguably give you. It's the cachet! It puts you on the geek-cool pedastal in a meeting! The iPhone makes me look happ-o-nen in the eyes of my adoring children. THAT's why I crave these symbols of Cool Credo. So here's my question:

Where can I just buy the shell of a Mac or a snap-on faceplate to my clunky cellphone, so it looks like the real thing? I'd snap it up in a heartbeat. Provided, of course, that you could loan me 17 cents so I don't have to break a $5 bill.

Quotables

2007-09-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Finally saw "300" the other night. Now THAT was inspiring. Seeing all those limbs go flying, I will certainly heed the amusement park warnings to keep my hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.

And the quotes! Awesome! Take this one by Spartan King Leonidas: "Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight...we dine in Hell!"

I can't wait to subtly slip that in at work. "Enjoy the budget allocations! For tonight...we type in Hell!"

Whooo lives in a pineapple under the seaaa...

2007-09-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ah Labor Day weekend...Perfect, cool, sparse-crowd days to get one's amusement park kicks in. Our 7 yr old and 5 yr old had a blast...

I dunno if I'm just getting old and my sense of balance isn't what it used to be, but boy this Spongebob Squarepants Family Fun Ride screwed me up pretty good.

Those churritoes were so good, had to taste 'em twice.

Whatchoo Talkin' bout Willis?

2007-08-28T12:58:00.001-07:00

Provided by Management for Your Protection

2007-08-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Pet peeve:

Folks who use their cellphones in the restroom. Today, there was one talented individual talking business with one hand to his ear, and using the other to conduct his other business. That man was either very multi-task-talented, or he had relatives in the janitorial business that needed to be kept employed. Because I was in line to avail myself of the same facility, I can confirm that the latter scenario seemed to be the case...

Pretty soon, the company will have to start handing out flip-flops along with those disposable seat covers.

Back in Black

2007-08-16T00:17:00.000-07:00

Whoa. I look up, and it's been 3 months since my last post. No particular reason actually. Same job, same level of business, happy personal life. Just forgot I guess. Kinda like the one thing that kept falling off the plate at the end of every day. I guess my brain can only hold 2 pr 3 tasks in its storage at any given time -- you know, critical stuff like look up from your phone when you do email during the commute, don't pick your nose in public, stuff like that. I suppose the blog could have forced itself as a priority, but I probably would have needed surgery to remove my index finger from my nostril after I smash into the car in front of me during my morning commute-email-on-my-new-Samsung-Blackjack session.

At any rate, it feels good to be posting again!

your bases are belong to us

2007-05-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

After browsing through a great little blog entry from across the hemisphere, I got down to reflection. It's now one year since we purchased our current home. We totally love it, really dig the neighbors, and appreciate the safe, well-maintained environ. But it does have a price.

I calculated that the first 21 days of every month goes to service our mortgage. The next 6 days are spent on things like electricity bills, water, and the like. Months with 31 days are bonus, because that means there are extra days to be spent on frivolous items like food.

And the banks totally know it. The initial we-want-your-business-yo phase was characterized by friendly, fawning emails/letters/phone calls. Dear Sir and Madam, the letters would say; Sincerely yours, the letter would implore. But not now. They know that they own us. Dear Peasant, the monthly bills now say. No more Best Regards. Not even a From. Now it's Remember Who Yo' Daddy is, Punk. Sigh. I shouldn't complain. May does, after all, have 31 days...

Da Future

2007-05-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

I dunno where in 1st grade they teach this stuff, but apparently, using Google is part of every child's education. Last night, I found my 7 year old looking for pictures of Lambourghinis and finding the orange one he saw in a magazine ad. How the heck did you spell Lambourghini, I asked? Apparently, if you're close enuf, search engines these days recognize it and make appropriate suggestions. Granted, when he spelled it, it was "lamborgeeni" so it produced close-but-no-cigar images of pasta as well. Pretty amazing stuff, taking 'connected' for granted, considering that he'll never understand the concept of spending hours upon hours in a physical library to look for a particular research tome that may contain a snippet one needs.

Hmph. Back when I was your age, our IM was a fax machine! We'd write a witty comment on a piece of paper, send it in the fax, and voila' an equally pithy zinger would be faxed back in about a day.

Exam questions

2007-05-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

Ya know, as I think back on that citizenship exam, I realize how lucky I was to pass. Man, those were TOUGH questions. Even with my extensive education in the US, I found the government and history questions difficult.

Example:

It is 1979. If Bill is heading southbound on George Washington bridge at 75 mph while making a legal lane change during rainy weather, what brand milk should he pick up on the way home?

The interview!

2007-04-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Had my US citizenship interview yesterday! Went well of course. Heck, I absorbed something from those English language tapes! I nailed all the questions asking where the train station was, or that the Apple is Red.

I was struck though on how much more efficient the US Gov't had gotten over the past 10 years. Back in da day, a trip to INS required that you set your alarm for 3am, and line up at the local office at 4am or so. It was first-come-first-serve back then, and they had a cutoff of how many folks can be processed in a given day. There was no queuing mechanism, so folks with questions on a N400 form would be on the same line as someone looking for the restroom. Very unpleasant. I only line up in the dark for important things. Like at ToysRUs waiting for one of 25 Nintendo Wii units coming in. This time though, the citizenship appointment was done online. I brought the printout with me, scanned at the door, and off I went. Very cool. The Man has embraced IT, and us little people are grateful.

16 miler

2007-04-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

6 weeks left till the San Diego marathon! This was my week to do a 16mile training run.

Inspired by this article, I decided to do the whole training run on the treadmill.

My lasting impression after I was done: Chafe. Chafe. Chafe.

Try this sometime and see for yourself.

And enjoy the joy of searing pain in the shower afterwards.

Reminds me of what a wise friend once said:

That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable.

Universal Translator

2007-04-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

The new Boston Red Sox sensation, Daisuke Matsuzaka, often gets interviewed via a translator. Some nuances seem to get lost in the translation:

How do you feel about that outing?
English: Great! It feels like a dream come true!
Japanese: I couldn't concentrate because all you yammering journalists kept popping the flash when I was in my windup

What's this Gyroball I hear about?
English: Perhaps you will see it in my next start. (smiles knowingly)
Japanese: I dunno, dude (wincing because sun is in eyes)

How do you feel to be a Boston Red Sox?
English: I am proud to be a part of the honorable tradition and history of the Boston franchise
Japanese: Who is Boston?

99 bottles of beer on the wall...

2007-03-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

a bit groggy from driving forever with two kids doing a countdown for 9 hours.

excerpt:

How many hours? 8 hours 45 minutes.
How many hours? 8 hours 42 minutes.
How many...? ZERO. Because this is where you're gettin' off!!!!

Daylight Savings!

2007-03-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

The kiddies did not dig this DST thing at all. For those of you not living in the US, here's the nutshell: Congress passed a resolution to move Daylight Saving Time two weeks forward from where it used to be on the last Sunday in March. This is a bigger change than you think -- after all, the old DST has been around forever. Think how annoying this would have been if you were in charge of the Stonehenge and had to move slabs of carved bedrock forward by an hour.

At any rate, son (7) and daughter (4) were on Stonenge Standard Time, and were in no mood to cooperate with this new DST shift. With all the whine about, we may have been in Napa. Seeing the scores of unhappy faces of parents in the neighborhood, this phenomena was not localized to us.

But as the day went on, my curses toward DST died down, and eventually changed to downright cheers. I now love DST. Why? Because this new DST time hasn't existed before 2007, this means that calendaring apps like Outlook were completely screwed up. Sure, IT issued patches to correct this, but with half the company compliant and the other not (a colleague just installed the Y2K patch last week...), every appointment in my schedule is now suspect. Implications? For the next two weeks I can miss meetings with impunity and blame DST. "Sorry to arrive at work three hours late, boss. DST issues. Outlook told me that it's still 6am."

Baby Advice

2007-03-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Several of our friends, both in and out of work, are having their first child (or children in one case). Because we have two kids, and we drive a juice-box stained minivan, we have street cred. Many ask us what to expect for their first child.

So here's the Pearls of Wisdom we have to offer:

The first one is gonna be a nerve-wracking, everything-is-an-emergency-that-burp-must-mean-something-let's-call-a-doctor, but thereafter it lightens up. For our second, we learned to filter out everything below the Howl of Pain. We sleep much better now.

Vertu-ally Wealth Three

2007-02-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

(Part Three!)

Between the jet lag, the caffeine withdrawal, and the light sparkling off of the $20,000 platinum-plated phone, I am feeling a bit woozy. Not being entirely certain how to handle this device, I hold the phone as I once saw an old lady do with produce in a grocery store - scrutinizing the produce to find the ONE tomato without any blemishes.

Caroline: "Where would the gem be placed?"

Hideo: "Um...here!" I point pretty much at random.

Caroline: "Interesting - we have not had anyone wanting to customize the...screen...before."

Hideo: "(realizing error) No, I meant that this is a beautiful screen. Minimal glare. Much like the face of a Breitling - functional yet attractive. But I digress. Sylvia would like to use her own 1.03 carat, purple Alexandrite on the face plate here."

Caroline: "A 1.03 carat gem, here?"

Caroline's tone is incredulous. It was as though I mentioned that I had deep-fried arachnids for lunch, and found them crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside (this is actually a dish in rural Cambodia, apparently. It was on the Discover channel. That's where I got the gooey quote.)

Hideo: "Ha ha. I must apologize for joking with you. Having held the device in my hand, it is quite apparent that a gem of that size would detract from the refined lines of this device. In fact, that would be garish...rude even. Sylvia is not fixated on this particular 1.03 carat gem, but she does want an Alexandrite to be part of the overall look. Perhaps you can suggest some designs?" (Phew!)

Caroline: "Oh but of course! We'll try to arrange some designs from our London design department by the time Sylvia arrives on her… next Singapore visit (gives Hideo conspiring look)."

Hideo: "(returns look of deep conspiracy) Remember, you didn't hear it from me!"

By this time, I had already spent close to one hour in this office, and I wanted to leave. But I also wanted the coffee she poured for me earlier. I had not reached for it, fearing that I would spill it onto the $20,000 phones and thus be their proud owners. I glanced forlornly at the coffee cup, but was frozen in indecision.

Catching my expression, Caroline hastily exclaims, "Oh Hideo, my deepest apologies. Your drink has gotten cold! I will get another sent out immediately!" With that, Caroline pressed a hidden button under her desk. 45 seconds later, a black-clad man appeared with my fresh cup. Although I longed to slug it down, I merely took one small sip. I suddenly had a vision of being held hostage here until the enigmatic Ms. Sylvia ponied up a check for this communication device. I had to get out of here!

Hideo: "Oh my! I must beg your pardon. My next meeting at the Capitol Tower (the only address outside the hotel that I know) beckons"

Caroline presses another secret button under her desk and Samantha and an older black-clad man appear at the door. I feel nervous for a moment, but they all shake my hand enthusiastically and give me their business cards.

"We look forward to seeing you again soon! Please give our regards to Ms. Sylvia! We can meet anytime - just let us know her schedule and we will accommodate!"

[To be continued in person by Ms. Sylvia]

Vertu-ally Wealthy Too

2007-02-28T05:50:00.000-08:00

(Memoirs Part Two!)

At last. One on one with Caroline, the saleswoman of the rich and famous.

Caroline: "Mr. Hideo, please let us know how we can help Ms. Sylvia. Would you like some coffee?"

Hideo: "Of course. Now where to begin...?" I smile, then put on a look of mild concentration. (coffee? of course! ....crap lost train of thought. She's good. Already disarmed me with my weakness)

Caroline: "Ms. Sylvia sounds like a busy woman. As her secretar..."

Hideo: "I prefer 'Administrative Assistant'" (need...to...buy...time)

Caroline: "My apologies. As Ms. Sylvia's Administrative Assistant, you must be even busier. Does Ms. Sylvia often shop in California where she lives? Because we could arrange a local appointment in Beverly Hills as well?"

Hideo: "Well the term 'lives' is somewhat misleading. It would be accurate to say she legally resides there, but it would be more accurate to say Ms.Sylvia lives in an airplane. At any given time, there's an equally likely chance of finding her in London's Cannon Street, Tokyo's Marunouchi, or right here in Singapore. In fact...well, I probably shouldn't mention this, as Ms. Syliva loathes given her itinerary away too much in advance..."

(Captain! the limitor on the BS Engine is no longer in our control! Abandon ship!)

Caroline's ears perk up, and she is eagerly leaning forward. Just then the coffee arrives. It is a rich smelling concoction, obviously far superior to the mud served in the breakroom at work. The lines of the black china seems to blend seamlessly to the black lacquered desktop.

Hideo: "...hmmm, why not. Ms. Syliva intends to be in Singapore in late September. Perhaps she will request that I schedule time for her to visit your fine boutique personally? But first, let us discuss the customization questions that Ms. Sylvia has." (I think I just gave off too much this-person-may-buy pheromones, because Caroline is practically convulsing with the effects of the internal battle between maintaining a sophisticated, cool air and making her kill-sales-pitch. To her credit, this struggle lasts but a split second, and she is back to her polite yet so-very-Euro-cool manner.)

Editor's note: at the time of this meeting, Sylvia and Hideo lacked an important piece of information: Vertu has sold only one phone.

Caroline: "Ms. Sylvia ark mentioned something about customization of our communication devices?"

Hideo: "Yes. I'm sure I don't need to tell *you* that many people are very attached to their birthstones. Ms. Sylvia is the same way with hers - Alexandrite."

Caroline: "Ah, a beautiful gem. I am especially fond of the Chrysoberyl Cat's Eye"

Hideo: "Ms. Sylvia has mentioned that as well. But she was particularly interested in seeing if she could fit an Alexandrite gem that she has in her possession." (A What's Eye??????)

Caroline: "Very interesting. Here are three working models of the Vertu devices. Where would she be interested in placing them?"

Hideo: "May I?" (holy cow! the $20,000 phone! Three of 'em RIGHT HERE! I can buy a Lexus with these phones!!! Let's see, wearing wingtips. Despite Tom Cruise's example in "The Client", I found that it's impossible to run in dress shoes. Darn.)

Caroline: "Why certainly. Notice the attention to detail. The tactile sensation of the ruby-geared keys. And the sleek design by Kris Bostloft. You may have noticed his work with light and shadows being displayed on the LCDs."

Hideo: "...Interesting. This is exactly as my employer has expected the device to be." (She expected it to be expensive. Hmmm, this phone was designed by the nostril-cam video guy? Come to think of it, I CAN check my nose hair on the shiny platinum surface. Wait - better pluck that one when I get a chance to duck into the restroom...!)

I spend a couple more seconds scrutinizing the phone from every angle. I have a look of intense scrutiny on my face. I usually get that when there's a strong glare flashing into my eyes. Caroline remains silent, taking in my obvious appreciation of her mobile artwork.

[once again, to be continued]

Vertu-ally wealthy

2007-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

A work buddy of mine is making a trip down to Singapore. I haven't been in almost 4 years, but I thought I'd offer up some advice on what to do when one finds one's self on the equator. So I dug up notes from 2002 wherein I ventured to a store that sells $5000 cellphones. (Thanks to Syl for keeping my ramblings in archive!)

=======insert Wayne's World Flashback music here=====

lightness. darkness. a long-shot of a mountain range. an extreme close-up of what could be a man's nostril. These images softly assail me from the LCD panels hanging from the ceiling. I look around - the showroom, if it can be called that, screams neuvo-Europa, but in a subdued kind of way. It's actually a bit schizophrenic. Welcome to the Paragon, Home of Vertu, I say to myself. I feel pretty darn uncomfortable, but I steel myself, knowing that what I am about to do is for the good of mankind.

rewind 15 minutes. I'm in the hotel, changing from the dress shirt I was wearing all day into a freshly pressed shirt I packed just for the occasion. The shirt is starched so sharp, I can cut vegetables with my collar. I look in the mirror, and practice my aloof "yes, yes, I've seen it before. If my employer didn't insist on it, I wouldn't even be here" expression. Snicker. Gotta watch that.

Off to present. My shirt is already damp from the Enterprise-class humidity (that's 99.999% for the marketing-to-English translation) and no longer looks sharp. I'd be lucky to chop tofu with my collar now. My aloof, worldly expression has transformed itself into one of bewilderment and confusion. This is one weird store. The display pedestals which showcase the phone, nay, communication devices, suggest icy pillars reaching to the heavens (in case the heavens wanted to order out for a flood or tornado, I suppose). These displays, obviously, do not add to my comfort level.

"Weeeelcome Mr. Hideo!" sings Samantha, a sales/marketing manager at Vertu. She is dressed in black, no doubt to match the decor of the showroom.

"Hello, you must be Samantha."

"Yeeees! We were SOooo looking forward to meeting you. Please, this way," she purred, as she lead me to one of three back offices.

There, in the clean and minimalist dark-coloured office, sat Caroline, the assistant Boutique Manager (also dressed in black, by the way).

"This is Caroline, she will be attempting to understand Ms. Sylvia's needs and desires."

(Uh..that's an awful lotta prying. Maybe you should ask Sylvia these things directly!)

"But of course," I reply nonchalantly.

Samantha then graciously slides out, leaving me alone with the ever-smiling Caroline....

to be continued!

Viral Marketing

2007-02-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

ok, so maybe it's more like "Bacterial Marketing."

The building clean-up crew will probably take these down the next time they come thru here. Too bad it will have to come down so quickly. Two weeks is such a short time...!

Five Second Rule

2007-02-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Catering overflows. That's when somebody calls a lunch meeting for 8, but six of those end up dialing in. Which of course, means leftover food being sent to the breakroom for the Cube hyenas and Office vultures to pick at. Hey you need those scavengers. Didn't you see the Lion King? Circle of Life and all. Yeah that's right. Now put down that roast beef, twinkie; I saw it first.

At any rate, there was a full fruit plate in the breakroom today. Almost totally untouched, brimming with melons, berries, pinepple, and...cream cheese (guess they ate all the bagels). I grabbed a paper plate and plastic fork, and started munching. There were a number of folks that filed thru, and I was left with a burning question. Why is it that people will use a plate and fork unless they're "just going to take one piece" -- in which case they feel free to use their fingers? Maybe it's like the old 5 second rule: if you drop food on the floor, you're safe if you pick it up and eat it within 5 seconds; the germs dont react fast enough and don't have time to jump from the floor to the food morsel.

I pondered the delicious thought of eating something that's been touched by ten unwashed hands. Then I shrugged and kept munching.

Hints and Tips

2007-02-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

I realize now that in our connected Human Network world, expert advice is available at every water cooler. Office pundits, some of whom have actually seen live marathon events first-hand, have been offering me a veritable treasure trove of useful advice:

-You can cram for a race. Just run 52.6 miles the night before. In a crunch, you can always just run to the start line.

-Alternate between wearing your right sneaker and your left. It wears out more evenly.

-Training is all about acclimating your body to the rigours of running the distance. So apply hot irons to your legs every other day and get dragged behind a slow-moving automobile.

-Train with music; it drowns out distractions like car horns.

-Best part of running long distances is stopping. So by standing there with that dumb look on your face, you're half way there.

Thankfully, there are also pros like Linda and Tom to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Chumster Pony

2007-01-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Do you know what the heck a Backstroke Pony is? Or a Chumster Pony is? Well consider youself lucky if you do not. We, unfortunately, know. Like millions of parents out there, we have a young daughter who totally digs the My Little Pony series. These colorful, plastic quadripeds have been around since I was a kid. Back to 1981 I think? Never for a moment did I suspect that 25 years later, I'd be shelling out hard-earned cash on these little beasties.

I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky. Our friends' daughter has 99 of these little buggers! Ours only has 28.

You know what the amazing thing is? Though Hasbro launches a new set of ponies every year, I don't think they've ever repeated a name. I gotta suspect though that they're running short on ideas. Bet ya ten bucks that you'd find stuff in Hasbro's R&D department of concepts like : "My Little Pony Bodily Function Series: Gassy, UpChuckie, Phlemgnina.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Last year, I resolved to sign up for a full marathon. So I did. I signed up for one back in December. Hey, I didn't say that I had to RUN it did I?

Learning about how sneaky my future self can be, I reworded my 2007 resolution. "Run a full marathon."

Croatoan

2007-01-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

Mysterious message left for me by my Friday afternoon self. So here I am, Monday morning, steaming paper cup full of coffee in hand. Have no idea what this cryptic note was referring to. It was obviously important to me at the time because it ends with not one, but two "!!."

Perhaps it was a New Year's Resolution of some kind?

Where art thou?

2007-01-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

Ah EXACTLY what I needed -- a GPS navigation system!! I'm a directional idiot. To say that I have no capacity or instinct for knowing the points on a compass is like saying that McDonald's food contain some artificial additives.

I had stayed away for years from this new-fangled tech. I guess I was scared off because I saw ver 1.0 of these things up close. Back in the day, 1989-ish, my parentals had one of these gizmoes installed in the family sedan. It was monochrome, no voice activation, and consisted of about 128Kb of data; roughly equivalent to a MP3 file barely long enuf to reasonably play Name That Tune. At any rate, that first iteration was downright unusable. Its accuracy was measured in terms of State lines -- "Make a right turn at Massachusetts. You are now on the East Coast," the text would helpfully scroll.

But this new GPS is a beaut. If I don't listen to the helpful soothing voice instructions, and miss yet another turn; no problem! It cheerfuly recalcualtes the route and helpfully offers a recovery path. No getting lost in an urban maze where a flat tire and an empty tank of gas would force one to make a pitstop in an..unadvisable section of town. That was 1996 I think -- the ver 2.0 model guided me to a Los Angeles street with the same sounding name, but with a violent crime rate roughly 30x the place I wanted to arrive at. I still remember reaching the pay phone, listening for the dial tone and noticing that the coin receptacle had been gutted with something that leaves scrotch marks. Rather than ask directions from the nice gentlemen enjoying their liquid dinners from a brown paper bag, I proceeded to thump along on three tires to the next town...

I digress. It's too bad that the only places that I've gone since acquiring this new model is work and back. But I can tell you that I know exactly how to get home from here, thanks to the wonders of satellite navigation technology!!

Situational Morality

2006-12-20T16:19:00.001-08:00

Three Moral Dilemmas I faced today:

6:12am Garbage disposal day in my neighborhood. My recycle bin was full. My neighbor's was not. Cool to take the one bag of cans that didn't fit and toss it in my neighbor's bin?

1:02 pm Office neighbor leaves 3 cookies unattended in her space. Those will likely get eaten at any given moment by unscrupulous passerby. Should I eat those, as she'd be happier knowing that someone she knows ate her cookies and not some random stranger?

3:20pm Notice that stall#2 in the men's room is out of paper. Just then, a person I don't know bursts into the bathroom with a distinct air of urgency about him. He beelines straight for stall#2, dives in, and locks the door. Should I offer a warning, or wash my hands of the situation (literally), and walk away?

Doing much better, thanks

2006-12-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

"Good to see ya back at work -- how're you feeling?"

"Oh, about 30ft, thanks"

Recovery from this year's little epidemic is measured in terms of radius from the nearest, um...public facility.

urg...

2006-12-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

Double the Fun! Low-grade cold but too much to do that I don't wanna call in sick. So the solution?
An Airborne tablet dissolved in office coffee! Now I can get my 500x dosage of vitamin C and antioxidants in a de-li-cious blend of sludgy 2-day-old coffee with a hint of effervecent citric flavors! Effects: Staves off cold, may cause nausea. Best idea since meat flavoured ice cream topped with anchovies.

Remember who PWNS you

2006-12-06T06:49:00.000-08:00

This morning, the all-too-common combo of time-crunch, hunger, and mental weakness conspired to have me walk into McDonald's for Breakfast#3. As I received the 38 cents in change, I say, "Thanks. Have a good one." Expecting either a vague forced smile or a "You too!," I was taken aback by what the cashier said.

After a barely perceptible pause, the teenage avatar of Ronald the purveyor of reconstituted beef products seemed to look into my soul and intoned, "...see you again SOON..!"

How...does...he...know? Sudden...craving...for...Quarter..Pounder..with...Cheese.

Shout out to our peeps in Chicago!

2006-12-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

Why, do you ask, do we put up with a highway system that doubles as a parking lot, and housing costs that are measured in terms of how many times one has to die and collect life insurance?

Oh I dunno. But I must say it was chilly n San Jose, CA this morn; temp dipped 60F (17C). Brr...better break out the long-sleeve T-shirts.

Back in Black

2006-12-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

phew. Been a while since I posted.

Hectic times!!

I had the kids solo while Harumi was outta town. Sure no prob, I said to her as I dropped her off at SF Int'l. That last statement mockingly echoed thru my head over and over for the next 8 days...

First off, both our kids have carpool arrangements with two different sets of families. So it's like this: Mondays, Anna goes to school with her buddies Annabella and Samuel, but I only pick up Anna and Samuel. Tuesdays, Annabella's mom picks up and I pick up Anna and Annabella and two bags of groceries. Each day is a different iteration of who does the pickups and which kids get picked up. For our son Rei, something similar -- a combo of playdates/carpool/after school activity.

Oh yeah, I was stressed as hell. Nightmares of coming home with the wrong set of kids danced in my dreams. Harumi thoughtfully provided a dossier by day, of everything I needed to know, complete with pictures and warnings. "Don't turn on the DVD for too long or Rei gets carsick." Next line: "Since you ignored my previous note, the wipes are under the front seat."

At any rate, I'm back in the office. Doing budget, playing with pictures on Powerpoint, and generally re-laxing. Because all this, my friends, is INFINITELY easier than being a full-time homemaker. So if you have a stay-at-home spouse, go home and thank them today!!

Oh yeah, your head is Orthogonal too!

2006-10-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

I noticed that several words become trendy in the office lexicon and catch fire. Everyone from Junior Woodchuck Billy the Intern to VP of Life-or-Death start using these words in their watercooler conversations and presentations. This month's Hot Words: Orthogonal and Gestalt.

Most of the word fashion leaders use the words correctly, but as time goes on, office barbarians start picking up the words and proceed to butcher them.

"Hey you clumsy oaf! The damn chassis is orthogonal now -- we'll have to sell it as a refurb!"
"Oh, I sit directly orthogonal to where Bill's office is"
"Those marketing people are so dang tight fisted; they're like the Money Gestalt."
"I'm feeling a bit gestalt from the chicken; mind if I take the afternoon off?"
(Achoo!) "Gestalt! Now wipe off your monitor"

Back When I was Your Age...

2006-10-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to get Biometrics (aka fingerprints) as part of a form I filled out for the Immigration folks. I haven't been at the US Immigration office in years, so I was surprised at how different it was. Way back when, a vist to the House that Bureacracy Built would entail a 6-8 hour wait. Worse yet, becase it was first-come, first-served with a daily cap of how many people can enter its hallowed halls, people would line up at 4am (4 hours before the doors opened at 8am) and secure a spot early enuf in the line that they fall within the daily limit. The lights were off, there were no restrooms, and it was miserable.

But no more! I was all prepared with three novels, a thermous full of coffee, snacks, a blanket, and an empty bottle for..um emptying things, but I didn't need any of it! I just waltzed in at my appointed time, filled out some forms, got fingerprinted, then I was on my way. Total time elapsed: 12 minutes. And the fingerprinting machine was just plain grand. No more sticking your fingers in that inky sponge and tasting ink on your french fries for the next 48 hrs. Today, it was a purpose-built finger scanner that took a digitized photo and immediately loaded it in my profile. Instantly, this was merged in the backend to the Mother of All Databases and crossindexed with my finacial info, police records, and education history. Amazing stuff. Even more amazing, as I finished scanning my left index finger, the printer attached to the scanner churned out a coupon of Dannon's yogurt (what I had for breakfast), and printed out "2nd floor, 3pm. " which was the time of my next meeting. Truely Amazing.

Despair!

2006-10-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

We have this teleconferencing app that announces when someone dials into or out of a meeting. "Hideo has just joined the meeting" the automated robo-voice soothingly declares. It is a bit disruptive though, as the announcement cuts off all conversation in the interim. This is especially so when attendants arrive late or leave early. I usually don't miss a beat when these interruptions occur, but today was different.

I work frequently with a marketer called Hope. When she dropped off of the line to attend another meeting, she had a different effect. "Hope has just left the meeting." Even the robo-voice sounded like it was at the end of its rope. Are things truely Hope-less? Are things so bleak? And must you, auto-attendant, remind me that all we are is Dust in the Wind? I paused mid-sentence and found myself a bit despondent. But then, a colleague IMed me a YouTube video featuring a Indian toddler doing 80's dance moves (think: Breakin' 2; Electric Bugaloo ." Synopsis: A developer tries to bulldoze a community recreation center. The local breakdancers try to stop it). I put the phone on mute, enjoyed a chuckle, and life moved on; despite the fact that all hope had left the meeting.

Truth in Advertisement

2006-09-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had McDonald's coffee this morn, because slabs of lard and reconstituted deep-fried potato parts taste better with it. Aside from the somewhat appalling fact that I consumed 57% of my daily recommended sodium intake before 7:15am, it was an altogether pleasant experience. And the coffee wasn't half bad. This is different, I thought to myself. But What?

Oooh me me me me! My styrofoam cup virtually trembled with excitement, like the way a class of 1st graders would react when asked, "Who wants to say screw school and have recess all day?" So I oblige and look at the colorful wrap.

Premium Roast Coffee! Fresh Brewed! Custom Blended. Richer. Bolder. More Robust*! Caution, I'm HOT!

Wow! You're right, styrofoam cup! You do taste better! Even with the qualifier small print on the bottom of the cup that says *Compared with Previous Blends, Mileage May Vary, you're okay in my book.

Enlightenment

2006-09-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

After months of being a recipient, I decide that I will take that bold step and use the Office Productivity Enhancements at my disposal.

"Hi there, this is Hideo, leavin' ya a voice mail so you get this first thing in the morn. Huge favor, can you chase down those from last week for me? Details via email. Peace out."

Tappity tappity tap:

======
Subject: wrt to voicemail
Body: Just following up with those codes. Need' em by noon! I'll swing by
======

hm..may as well copy her epage address so she gets the text on her pager too. Click, done.
Resend frequency? Lemme see...how about every 10min? Click, done.

Oh wait, there's her car in the parking lot. Scribble. Nothing says urgent like a post-it on a windshield!

15 minutes later, the needed info arrives. All this technology has made office life so productive! I bet in years gone by, it woulda taken weeks to stalk..uh, coax, rather, someone to provide info via carrier pirgeon and mimeograph!

Quote of the Day -- Zoinks!

2006-09-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

"Society is always taken by surprise
at any new example of common sense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pressure!

2006-09-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

Attended a back to school night for our son. I remember these things to be a fairly laid-back, if unstimulating affairs, wherein parental types would meet their offspring's teacher, and give permission to said educator to smack little Johnny upside the head if he gets outta line. The 2006 version was...much more intense. Difference between getting bopped in the head with a balloon and getting decapitated by an 18 wheeler trcuk while leaning too far out the passenger side window.

Highlights:

- 6 year olds will be broken out into five groups, ranked by ability. Highest group will be given more challenging homework, while the lowest group will be issued bibs and identifying placards around their necks.

- Stressed Dad (me!) sneaking a swig of Rockstar energy drink to keep up with frenzied air

-Parental types are hopped up on stimulants. In most civilized corners of the world, the phrase "Any questions?" is universal code for "I am done with my presentation. Let us all go home." Not spoken here. At least 8 hands shot up and our hapless instructor was peppered with questions like:

"What if we don't agree with your ranking?"
Answer: Litigation

"How much homework?"
Answer: No more than 4 hours per evening

"How do we fit THAT into Johnny's soccer, swimming, French, and ballet lessons?"
Answer: Sign him up for Time Management lessons

"Will there be appetizers served after this meeting?"
Answer: No

- Stressed Dad switching to drinking something stronger.

New Digs

2006-09-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Brand new locale! I woke up earlier than usual today, knowing that changes are a foot. No longer will I sit in cube J7-1, staring at the drab fabric of my 3.2 sided workspace. No longer will I be confined! Freedom to let my mind roam free, the way it was intended to be!! Fly away mind! Not too far though. Still need ya.

Yessiree, today, I plunked down into a brand new cube; Building 8, cube D3-1. This new arrangement has me facing (be still my beating heart) TOWARD the central hallway, and has me 4ft closer to the printer/copier. Oh yeah, who's the MAN now? Yeah,buddy, those are MY printouts. I can hear you rifling around in there looking for your own stuff. Well hands off! Use the facilities in your own cube slum neighborhood. Punk.

All in the Definitions

2006-09-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ever have a deadline that really isn't? Deadline: Make sure you supply feedback by Friday, the memo may say. Then the next Monday, you get a followup saying; Final Final Deadline, cob today! With these, I could probably wait till Wednesday, send in some comments, and still make it into the final edits.

But I think we do the word 'deadline' an injustice. Remembering back to my high school English class days, I can distinctly remember that I got this question wrong because the sweat made the ink on the palm of my hand illegible.

From the Random House Dictionary:

"The word deadline first appeared as an American coinage that referred to the line around a military prison beyond which soldiers were authorized to shoot escaping prisoners. According to Lossing's History of the Civil War (1868): "Seventeen feet from the inner stockade was the 'dead-line', over which no man could pass and live."

Be that as it may be, I see the need for a new taxonomy to describe the modern, soft, not-so-dead deadline. Henceforth, dates that can be pushed aside will be referred to as "Hurtlines" (British spelling "Pokeline").

Smoke and Mirrors

2006-08-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

Some folks worry too much. Not because they don't trust that things won't turn out ok or anything, but because they just...need to know everything. Don't get me wrong, the world needs detailed folk like that. Otherwise, how could we trust the label on the cereal box that says, "box packed by weight. Volume may differ because content may have settled?" I'll tell you why! It's because the ultra-detailed have counted the individual cereal flakes. Thus the world is safe for democracy.

But sometimes, one needs a little protection if one becomes a target for said detailed folk. I've since developed this handy Gantt chart as a first line of defense.
I've found that flashing this on my screen and saying, "oh yeah, we're right along addressing resource constraints on critical path and exactly at runrate completion percentages," makes these folk walk away with a dreamy look of satisfaction. Give it a whirl!

Deep Thoughts

2006-08-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

Why do you run, Hideo?

Because it feels so dang good to stop.

Live Long and Prosper and Prosper and Prosper

2006-08-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Talk about a rich guest line-up! Bill Clinton, Lance Armstrong, and Coolio all played at the company Las Vegas conference. Bill Clinton in particular, had the air of elder statesman, and his words carried the weight of experience. And his secret service folk carried the weight of concealed sub-machine guns with armor piercing rounds.

The coup de grace though, was the suprise appearance of Dr. Spock playing his Leonard Nimoy alter ego. Don't get me wrong, as any hi-tech working male in his 30s, I totally ate the performance up. You da man, Spock! Save them whales, baby! I remember the standing O that he got more than what the preceding speech contained, actually...

Be that as it may -- I know he rakes in cash just by saying his trademark phrase and flashing that hand gesture; but I wonder if a small piece of himself doesn't cringe into a ball and jab itself with sharp psychic stakes every time he accepts payment for standing on stage with the pointy-ear prothesis and uttering those immortal words?

Benevolent Brother

2006-08-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

The geniuses in the bowels of the engineering labs gave all 15,000 of us radio-frequency ID tags to wear at Las Vegas. I guess you need this kind of thing when you're tracking attendance for that many people, and I applaud the ingenuity of the system. How cool is it that it knows which sessions I attended and that it generates feedback forms only for those?

But then I got to thinking. I hope it only tracks attendance, and not my whereabouts?

Picture a scene in Command Bunker 251. "Hmm..I see that employee#68034 is spending an inordinate amount of time in Stall 2 of the 3rd floor restroom. And the frequency! Three times in the past hour! He has either had too much celebratory imbibements the evening before, or perhaps we would be wise to avoid what he ordered for dinner last nite. In any case, we should enlist employee#68034 in any appropriate sanitation requirements in said stall."

on a more serious note...

2006-08-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Airflight these days is mass transit -- I'd put as much thought into hopping on a flight as I would to hop on a bus to the next city. Actually less, even, because I have no idea where the closest Greyhound station is nor where I can buy a ticket.

So it really rattles me when these bombing-attempt things hit the news. It just jars me abruptly awake; things that I take for granted is no longer so. It's the emotional equivalent of your parents sitting you down and saying, "Son, we think you're ready to hear this. You're really the heir to Tasmandia, and your people want you back. Oh by the way, your rent is due."

Tuesday, me, and 12,000 of my closest friends fly into Nevada for a massive conference. We'll all go thru the heightened security and rigorous checkpoints, and converge from multiple points on the globe. I think the latest security rule is: no liquids. Pretty soon, we'll be required to take sleeping pills so we're out cold and can't cause mischief. No Consciousness Allowed. But I'm not complaining. Here's hoping that we all have a safe and uneventful transit!

Ponder that, yo

2006-08-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

I can almost see the metaphorical lightbulb go off in her head. A moment ago, a tough question stumped the speaker into an unsteady silence. But stumped no more!

"It's behavioral stuff that's the bread, and not the peanut butter, and explodes in a viral fashion!"

Heads nod sagely throughout the meeting room. The light cast by the projector add dramatic shadow and contrast to their faces.

I'm confused. That statement conjures up images of a sandwich left out in the sun too long, perhaps at a picnic. Worse, I picture myself eating that tidbit, and experiencing the subsequent "explosion in viral fashion" in my digestive tract.

But I don't wanna look dumb. So I nod sagely too.

So that's how it eats

2006-08-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

My daughter has those nauseatingly adorable Hello Kitty things on almost everything she owns. Pencils, pillowcases, backpacks, shoes, shirts, toothbrushes, bug spray, you name it, it's there. I've always been somewhat troubled with that stylized cat, and now I can place my finger on exactly what it was. In every depiction, Hello Kitty does not have a mouth. How does that thing eat?

Now with this drawing, I know! And I can once again sleep at night...

Narnia Other Door Please

2006-07-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

As I wandered around looking for a conference room to commandeer for the morning, I noticed a mysterious addition to the floor. Now that I think of it, there were some Workplace Resource types milling about and changing signage to conference rooms and closets.

Where there was once signage for a Janitor Closet, an ominous sounding Field Productivity sign took its place. I remember what the closet used to look like -- identical in size to a nook one would find in his/her (diversity in writing good. subliminal training sinking in. suddenly want to drink more Coke) home wherein one would store a mop, a broom, and perhaps a duster or two. But now! Field Productivity! I asked around but no one seems to know what the new room is for. All they know is that the room seems to get heavier traffic near quarter end. And rumor has it that salesfolk who visit the Productivity Closet, tend to emerge a superstar...or not at all.

River Runs Thru It

2006-07-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

I dunno why, but I really can't stay awake on planes. Try as I may, I rarely stay up past the announcement of the Very Important Announcement that explains all the safety features on the Airbus 319. On this flight, I got up to the part of the floatation device and the pull-cord, but blacked out during the demonstration. To this day, I'm not sure what the pull-string does. Since we'd be hurtling toward the sea at roughly 300 mph, I imagine that I'd pull the string and out pops a mini-bottle of Wild Turkey. Who knows? Not I.

Falling asleep is a good thing, and I don't mind; it's the perfect way to wile away the hours on a long flight. Every now and then though, when I'm totally out (out out as in REM sleep mode during Derivative Pricing class), my jaws go slack, and my mouth falls agape like a trapdoor. This used to be problematic on road trips with friends because I'd become a target for three-pointers using airline peanuts. That was a long time ago -- planes don't serve peanuts anymore. At any rate, the peanuts were helpful in that it prevented me from staying in mouth-agape-out-cold mode. These days, with no one to roust me, my mouth stays open. And sometimes (like 15 minutes ago), I wake up with a start as a stream of drool curls around the corner of my mouth. I usually catch these stealthy streams before it has a chance to go very far (foiled again! would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you pesky kids!), but today, the NORAD defense systems did not kick in on time. The dribble ran unabated past my chin before I was able to wake up. Worst part is, I instinctively tried to recover the errant stream with a sluuuurrrrrpt sound, but did nothing more than attract attention to myself. I imagined that everyone was looking my way, music scratching to an abrupt halt in a old time western saloon as the Stranger rides into town. For about 15 minutes, I stay motionless with my eyes closed, hoping that when I do open my eyes, I won't find the lady next to me pointing and laughing...

But life in the airplane returns to normal, and I sit in seat 10C writing this blog.

What's in a Name?

2006-07-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dashing to a meeting, I ran into an exec from my new department. I'm awful with names, as an earlier post illustrates. I sat there for an interminable snapshot in time wracking my brain. The funny thing is, I could totally see her email alias floating in my head. I just couldn't remember how to pronounce her name. Her name is spelled "Jere" but I couldn't for the dwindling life of me remember if it's pronounced "Jerry" like Seinfeld or "Jeer" as in what I get for not remembering. So I compromise -- "Good morning Jeeeery."

As polished as she is, there was only the briefest flicker of front-desk-get-me-security before she returned the greeting with perfect pronounciation on my somehwhat harder to remember name...

Part of a Nutritional Breakfast

2006-07-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

This morn was the first day I participated in a community runner's group. We got together at 6am, which waking up aside, was refreshing -- especially given the utterly ridiculous children's-toys-melting-on-the-asphalt weather we've been having.

The exercise-induces endophrines were short-lived however. In my haste to get my butt out of bed this morn, I had forgotten to pack my shower shoes; those cheap rubber flip-flop beach sandals often worn, well, on the beach. Why does that matter? Well, if you have to ask, then you have never had the pleasure of utilizing a public shower facility. Picture the delectable sensation of running one's toes through the fragrant mildewy slime on the bottom of a trash bin that has been sitting outside with the remnants of last week's dinner party. Yum! That's why shower shoes. ..

Whatchoo lookin' at???

2006-07-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Reminds me of the expression a fellow commuter had on her face as she looked up from her Blackberry and saw the tail end of a Mustang veer across her bumper.

Guru on High

2006-07-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm a food 'ho. Buy me a Chik-Fil-A (We Didn't Invent the Chicken, Just the Chicken Sandwich) and I will arrive at the meeting 1 hour early and help set up the room. I'm also pretty non-picky with what I eat - call me equal opportunity.

But last nite, I met the Masta. Well not met, actually, as I was too in awe to speak. The halo of greatness was just too blinding.

There I was, back in the bustling metropolis of Raleigh. I ordered room service - a reuben sandwich with fries. Couldn't finish the dang thing, so I shoved the tray thru the door and gave it no further thought. A few hours later, got a hankerin' for some coffee so I meandered down to the lobby for a fix. As I was leaving, I saw that the remnants of my meal was still in the hallway. I get my coffee and head back to my room for an exciting night of white-knuckled adrenaline pumpin' email cleanup. That's when I saw him. Youngish guy, about my age, but perhaps 20 or so pounds heavier. Untucked, slightly greasy looking button-down flopping defiantly over a tech company giveaway tshirt. He reached down to my leftovers, picked out a french fry, and popped it into his mouth. "ugh mustard. I hate mustard," he muttered. He then adjusted the strap on his laptop case, and strode casually down the hall. And like a cowboy riding into the sunset, the mystery stranger shuffled down the dim hotel hallway. I stood for a moment in awed silence, with only the flickering
flourecents witness to this cosmic moment...

This my friends, is why I travel.

Metamucil

2006-07-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July fireworks...

These things typically start with lots of pomp and anticipation beforehand, but are real slow to get started. This one was scheduled to start at 9:30pm. Five minutes after the scheduled start date, the first poof goes up in a brilliant shower of red and greens. Then...silence. Three minutes later, a second one goes up. Equally pretty. But then more silence. Another three minutes. Then a third, then prolonged silence. The crowd's hushed anticipation gradually changes to murmurs of discontent. If this were a human body, I thought, I would prescribe more dietary fiber.

Suddenly, as though my thoughts of roughage, exercise, and plenty of water were what the doctor ordered, the skies were alight with explosion after explosion of intense colors and light! And after one mighty prolonged burst of shells, the crowd erupts in applause, sighs in contentment and the show is over.

Happy Independence Day!

On the Shrink's Couch

2006-06-27T05:08:00.000-07:00

Something about UK that always psyches me out. I wrote about this little complex almost a year ago -- but that was only when one British colleague was visiting San Jose. Today, I'm the visitor. And that magnifies and intensifies the inferiority complex.

Flashback to several hours ago to a Proudly Serving Starbucks pseudo coffee bar:

"Tall coffee, room for cream, thank you," I say.
"Pardon?" asks the barista
"Um, tall coffee, room for cream?" I reply, suddenly self-conscious.
"Come again?"
"(ah of course, perhaps they refer by cup size) Oh, a 16oz please"
"eh?"
"(how silly of me, I need to convert to metrics!) Sorry, I meant a 14.72 cubic cm coffee please."
"...???"

Finally, a bemused local colleague steps in to save me.

"16oz coffee, mate. Cheerio."
"Brilliant, here you go! Cheers!."

Mark my words, one day, I shall learn their secret handshake.

The 100 yard stare

2006-06-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Zzzzzz. Got into London at 6:30am. Stood in the customs queue forever, amongst throngs of ripe-smelling, irritable, summer vacationers. Once that was done, waited another 30min for the Hotel Hoppa, checked in to the hotel, napped, overslept (1hr planned, 3hr actual), showered, and headed for the office.

I chugged a can of Red Bull and chased that with a espresso, right before the meeting. Nice buzz. But hardly alert. It gave me a crazy spinning adrenaline feeling, but with only a blip of mental activity behind it. I had a persistent anxiety feeling, like those cartoon characters that know that the 400lb iron is about to fall on their head, but hoping really hard that it won't happen this time. The wide-eyed, zoned out look was reflective of that. Or so I thought.

"Hideo, your look tells me that you're not convinced. How about if I lay these data points in front of you....Still no? What if I said the cost is half of what's on this slide? No? How about if time to execution is shaved by a week?"

I didn't hear a single word the vendor was saying. But apparently we drove a hard bargain.

Be Still My Beating Heart

2006-06-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

From a company benefits mailer I received this morn.

========
Dear HIDEO,

As a recent user of the TRP, we want to make you aware of upcoming enhancements that will provide you with a faster and easier process for submitting your applications and requesting your reimbursements! Here are the exciting enhancements you will see effective July 5, 2006:

New Fax Number:

New Processing Request Form:

=========

Even one of these by itself is cause for irrational exuberance...but BOTH a new fax number and new form???

Madness! Pure Madness I say!

I am all a-tingle with excitement!

Food for Thought

2006-06-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Quote heard on the morning radio:

"I like pastries, but dead animals rule!"

I dunno why, but that conjures up images of Denver to me.

HidLog

Boosting attendance

New Year's resolutions

ads!

safety equipment

top 5 reasons for using the gym at 2 pm instead of @ lunch

Goodbye...

Breaking news

Yikes!

Exec Watching

Life is a Highway...!

2009!

Citius, Altius, Fortius

Twitter Revolution

Wisdom

Hey Twit!

Ready....aim...

Salonpas

Plans!

Et tu, Juan Valdez?

And you thought MS Office was Bloatware

Back when I was your age.....!

Devil's in the Details

boo! Now what will keep the bugs away?

the nation's drug epidemic

From the Lost Scrolls of Seoul

...and life to go!

Because I'm a ninja that's why

Voices voices voices

Deep Thoughts

Your bases are belong to us

Mysteries in the Breakroom

year in review...

Preparing for the Future

Happy Bday!

Humility

Home, home on the raaaaange

Smoke Free America!

And for a Limited Time Only...!

Lookit me when I'm talkin' to you!

And I thought I was uncool

Jurassic This!

That Explains Things!

PC-Mac interoperability

Quotables

Whooo lives in a pineapple under the seaaa...

Whatchoo Talkin' bout Willis?

Provided by Management for Your Protection

Back in Black

your bases are belong to us

Da Future

Exam questions

The interview!

16 miler

Universal Translator

99 bottles of beer on the wall...

Daylight Savings!

Baby Advice

Vertu-ally Wealth Three

Vertu-ally Wealthy Too

Vertu-ally wealthy

Viral Marketing

Five Second Rule

Hints and Tips

Chumster Pony

New Year's Resolutions

Croatoan

Where art thou?

Situational Morality

Doing much better, thanks

urg...

Remember who PWNS you

Shout out to our peeps in Chicago!

Back in Black

Oh yeah, *your* head is Orthogonal too!

Back When I was Your Age...

Despair!

Truth in Advertisement

Enlightenment

Quote of the Day -- Zoinks!

Oh yeah, your head is Orthogonal too!